places to go and people to see

Friday, December 28, 2012

Bucket List

Before I die, I want to...
  1. Be in love with two people at the same time
  2. Smile because I'm actually happy
  3. Make cake pops for an event with more than 50 people
  4. Make cupcakes for an event with more than 300 people
  5. Learn how to make mousse
  6. Sail all the way across Lake Michigan (W-E)
  7. Live in London for six months
  8. Live in Italy or France for three months
  9. Have a fairy-tale wedding with a dress picked with the assistance of Randy Fenoli
  10. Be on live television
  11. Get the lead in a community theater production
  12. Consistently go to dance classes for at least two months
  13. Get a pixie cut
  14. Make a quilt
  15. Learn how to move on
  16. Forgive people
  17. Sell a large quantity of something I've made
  18. Knit a hat
  19. Write a love letter in calligraphy on fancy paper
  20. Tuck a 'do you like me' note into someone's book, bag, locker, etc.
  21. Sing a solo in public
  22. Take ukulele lessons
  23. Collect over 150 keychains
  24. Visit Japan
  25. Be the first person someone comes out to
  26. Go to a church of each of the top five religions in the US
  27. Smile more
  28. Go to college
  29. Take at least one women's studies and one feminist literature course
  30. Meet Felicia Day and Wil Wheaton
  31. Visit Gene Roddenberry's grave
  32. Meet Stan Lee
  33. Play strip poker (or another card game)
  34. Meet the cast of The Avengers
  35. Sing with any of my musical idols
  36. See Fun. in concert
  37. Get closer to my dad's half-siblings
  38. Always have dogs
  39. Own a bird as a pet
  40. Improve my handwriting
  41. Use more glitter
  42. Drink more water
  43. Drink less coffee
  44. Read more classic British literature
  45. Sew a dance costume
  46. Have good credit ratings!
  47. Own my own house
  48. Live in the same apartment for more than a year
  49. Get asked to Prom
  50. Stay in touch with friends from middle/high school
  51. Have an amazing wardrobe
  52. Get a novel published
  53. Participate in NaNoWriMo
  54. Meet CP Coulter and George/Phan/Adrienne/Jeremy/Joey
  55. Have a tumblr meetup
  56. Win a soccer game
  57. Paint my room by myself
  58. Coordinate the decor in an entire house
  59. Wear a cute hat or scarf every day for a week
  60. Get my ears pierced
  61. Chat with Cassandra Clare, John Green, Lauren Myracle, JKR, or David Levithan about writing for a teenage audience
  62. Sew my own party dress
  63. Collect Disney action figures
  64. Go to at least three different operas in one year
  65. Photograph a ballet or dance competition
  66. Learn how to use a DSLR camera
  67. Work in Urban Outfitters or Anthropologie
  68. Live in Northern California or San Francisco
  69. Climb a mountain
  70. Go camping with friends
  71. Take a romantic walk on the beach
  72. Go skinny dipping
  73. Get a yearbook signed by someone I've always been afraid to approach
  74. Kiss someone in the rain
  75. Discuss Chris Argent with Jeff David and/or JR Bourne
  76. Visit the MoMA, the Louvre, and the Musee d'Orsay
  77. Visit my cousins in the Netherlands
  78. Visit the site of my ancestors' plantation in Texas
  79. Ride a horse on the beach
  80. Visit Hawaii
  81. Gossip less
  82. Wear less makeup
  83. Perm my hair
  84. Go to a LeakyCon, VidCon, and ComicCon
  85. Go on a road trip before college
  86. Make a duct tape wallet
  87. Write a diary entry every day for a week
  88. Have sex in the back of a car
  89. Ride in a limousine with a hot tub in it
  90. Go to Las Vegas
  91. Count every book I read for a year
  92. Learn how to deal with people I don't want to talk to
  93. Handle my anxiety
  94. Stop keysmashing so much
  95. Go scuba diving
  96. Live past ninety
  97. Join a writing group
  98. Start a book club
  99. Get better at chess
  100. Learn to trust everything I have and love with all my heart

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

...

What do you do when there's nothing worth doing?
I am trying to rewrite the first part of my freaking novel, that i've been working on for over a year, and the plotlines are twisting and choking and pulling and i want to keep the story the same but it's hard, it's so hard to write that it's hardly meaning anything anymore even though i love this story, i am liam.
i don't want to socialize. i don't want to talk to anyone because the people i would talk to are inconsiderate and not anywhere near understanding even though they think they are because i hide a lot of things,
none of you even suspected until i told you and i only told you the basics and it's so so so much worse than that
i was up until two last night. crying.
crying because no one gets it and i am alone and there is no one like me to talk to.
i don't want to game because it's just pixels, all it is is little dots of light moving in a pattern based on a program, a code that a greyface wrote because it's what they thought they wanted to do and now they're stuck sitting in a dark office all day type-type-typing because they have to pay child support.
i don't want to pretend to be pleasant i don't want to pretend to like any of you i don't want to pretend
i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to i just want to pull up my roots start over and i don't want to do anything because none of it means anything and if it doesnt mean anything than it isnt worth anything and why should i do anything if its not worth anything because after all there is nothing worth anything and maybe some people think there is
but they are just wrong. they dont know the world, they dont look outside and see a grayscale of don't want to do to i would die before doing that
they dont see it as black and white, as bad and worse, and ugly and unbearable, and scalding and deadly, as lifetime sentence and lethal injection, as involuntary manslaughter and first degree murder, as hunger and starvation, as infection and plague
they dont see it at all
they only see what is next for them
and why some people are good and some are bad when there is no difference
people are people and people are all the same
none of them really care they all just pretend for the sake of others
i can see that and i am done pretending.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

SNOWMEN

Merry christmas from dr. who.
Three minutes in and I'm already scared out of my fucking mind
THE SNOW IS TALKING OMG.
I SAID ID FEED YOU. I DIDN'T SAY WHO TO.
Claraaaaaaaaaa. You adorable little thing.
Doctor? Doctor Who? OMG
ice remembers too.
NOPE. SIMIAN GO AWAY.
The veiled detective.
N'awwwww. Hon you're so cute!
WINTER IS COMING.
Perhaps I can't, but I know a man who can.
OMGOMGOMG that's a sontaran. A GRENAAAADE.
Automated laser monkeys.
Yesyesyesyesyes
Ohhhh strax. Psychotic potato dwarf.
He's so miserable.
Two genders is a bit further than he can count. Typical middle child of six million.
What's wrong with dangerous?
(FYI this entire post is going to be witticisms from the dr who xmas special so you may just want to back out now also spoilers ahead so yep)
Memory snow. Telepathic fields. OOD.
Also they're married. LOL DR SIMIAN HAHAHA HOMOPHOBIA. NO IMPLICATIONS. THEY'RE MARRIED. TIME TRAVELERSSSSS. Also aliens. But duh because LIZARD WOMAN FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME.
Awwww. Clara. You're so cute. I love you. Basically. You have a sort of a shield. Yes it's invisible because he's the doctor and he does what he wants. Aw yis.
Walk in the clouds, Clara. Walk in the freaking clouds. HIDE AND SEEK AROUND THE TARDIS YISS.
clompityclompityclomp.
Hmmm. This isss interesting. Interesting indeed. Why is she a governess?
She is pretty, honey. THAT'S THE YOUNG LILY EVANS OMGOMGOMG.
MM YES GOOD.
Do not attempt to escape, or you will be exterminated. May I take your coat?
One word answers. Kindness. He is not kind.
POND. I AM CRYING OGOHD WHYYYYYYY
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
DEAR STEVEN MOFFAT
FUCK YOU TO HIGH HEAVENS YOU'RE AN AWFUL PERSON AND NO ONE LOVES YOU GODDAMNITTTTTTRTTTTT
THE CREYS
THE ETERNAL. GODDAMN. CREYS.
OH,YGOD IIFMSKDKAKSODEDDMCMDKDKDK
OALALS,SKFJGJFIEOWMCNXM HE'S SHERLOCK HOMMES JCKDOSLSKDJC
TAKES ONE TO SNOW ON O,GOMGOMGOMG
JIAKDJFJVJVKSLAOEIEKALCMCJFOVKVM M JDOLA, L I AM DYIMG
THE DOCTOR
IS COSPLAYING
AS
SHERLOCK HOLMES
AND THE INTELLIGENT SNOW
IS
MORIARTY.
He's investigating.
Omg MOFFAT. Don't be clever, strax. It doesn't suit you. I'm the clever one, you're the potato.
IT'S COOLER. BOW TIES ARE COOL. DOCTORRRRRR.
HIS INLAWS ARE DEAD AND HE'S SAD.
This dwelling is under attack, human scum.
(Cracks neck) stay here.
YOU KISSED ME! You blushed.
My eyes are always front. Mine aren't...
Clara, you flirt. Oh honey you gave her a key on her first time in the TARDIS. OMG.
CLARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Nope

Nope

Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nopenopenope.
Shoot me. I hate Steven Moffat, really. You can't just... Who is she, anyway?
Well okay but strax do YOU understand?
Because he doesn't know who else to blame.
What does GI stand for anyway? Grr....
ICE ZOMBIE WHOOPS. OOOOOH IT ACTUALLY IS MORIARTY. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY VILLAINS. WINTER IS COMING, JON SNOW.
It's not rain, it's crying. Asmcmvkslcghdkslc. Claraaaa. Clara no. I like you. For now. You're a cutie. You're e cutest of all of the cutiepatooties.
Great intelligence?
OMGOMGOMG. Soufflé girl.
SHE DIED TWIIIICE. THE IMPOSSIBLE GIRL. WHAT IN THE WORLD.
HE IS A BORGGGGGG.
IM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW COMPANION OMG CYBERMENNNNN. YEP.

merry christmas.

I got presents and stuff. I was the child who typed her list so that her parents could actually read it.
I'm especially excited about the 12x12 eyeshadow palette. And I got The Host and Beautiful Creatures.
And I feel so lucky and I'm so pleased with what I got.
But it's still Christmas Day, one of the days when all everyone thinks about is happiness.
It's Christmas Day, and all I want to do is cry.

Monday, December 17, 2012

So I said I would post play stuff...

AND GUESS WHAT I GOT CAST TODAY
I GET TO BE EVA
Well, Dara. Possibly Tikvah or Etana or Agata or Nadia. It depends on what name I decide on because Sami's role is Eva. But I get the CHARACTER. Or at least, the mother hen/big sister/protective older child part of it. And the monologue I wanted so badly. So yes.
I'm in a group with Rachel, Shelvey, Sami and a sixth grader - Naomi - who is amazing(: I'm super excited about this.
Also I have to memorize like thirty lines of Shakespeare tonight because we're having a bonfire tomorrow in English. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

one last depressing post, i suppose.

i am so tired of being sad.
i want it to be over, but i don't want to have to wait. i don't know how i've gotten to the point where i'm writing notes to sami and rachel and hope and adam but i've gotten there and i don't want to be here
i want to be out of here now.
people say that it gets better but that isn't good enough.
I hate the place i'm in. right now my favorite color is green because green represents life, but the color i say represents me the most is dark, dark red because red is the color of blood and black is the color of mourning, of sadness.
i'm tired of being surrounded by the same brown walls and the same posters and the same laptop and the same people day after day. i want to leave my life behind and live on another planet, start over and maybe be less fucked up than i am now.
i don't wanna be sad and miserable and thinking about the what i'm going to leave behind. because honestly, what would i leave behind? a shitty attendance record and miles of bills for my parents?
i feel so selfish for wanting this. my parents would have to deal with it and i don't even know what my friends would do but i just don't want to be here. i don't want to imagine it, but i can't avoid it and as much as it scares me, it doesn't scare me nearly as much as how much i've been alienating myself in the past weeks.
i broke off my entire friendship with adam because i can't be around him without it getting worse.
maybe that's good and maybe it's bad but i know it's something and it's not making me feel any better because i hate myself for not letting myself be around him because i think it's what's best. and i could be wrong, maybe it's not good for me.
the important thing about that though is that right now i hate myself.
i have before and i do right now and it has never been this bad. i just want to end it all and leave nothing behind, give no reasons even though i would feel like i had to.
i don't want to feel this way ever again.

I'm sorry. (Also an unexpected rant on religion.)

I feel like this blog has recently become less of 'let me tell you about my life!1!!!!1!!' and more of a 'I AM GOING TO DUMP MY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE ON ANYONE WHO READS THIS HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck my life' and I am really, really sorry. I don't like seeing the people I care about sad, and I know that I've been a) depressing and b) depressed recently, so I'm really sorry. I might not be posting much, and I know I haven't been anyway, but I'll probably be posting even less because I don't see things looking up too much until late January. I'm not going to post about the holidays, because as much as I love them, I also get really mad when people are just like 'it's december! CHRISTMAS RELIGION PAGANS TREES SANTA COOKIES THE ANGEL GABRIEL VIRGINS OMGOMGOMG!!!1!!1!!!!!'
Which, okay, my family celebrates Christmas. I love Christmas. But THERE ARE OTHER WINTER HOLIDAYS TOO. There's Hanukkah, which many people respect, but people also celebrate Kwanzaa and Ramadan and the Solstice so... Shut up about your Mass celebrating Christ (*coughs* WHO WAS BORN IN SPRING BY THE WAY THE CELEBRATION WAS ONLY MOVED TO DECEMBER BECAUSE THE CATHOLICS WERE TRYING TO CONVERT PAGANS SO THEY MOVED IT NEAR THE SOLSTICE (ALSO WHY DID EVERYONE HATE THE PAGANS. THEY WERE COOL) *coughs*) because (this may come as a shock to some people who are assholes) NOT EVERYONE CARES!
And that's basically my views on all religion, BTW. as long as you're respectful to all other religions (including  wicca and pagan stuff and the worship of animals/ancestors/etc and atheism/agnosticism) and you don't go parading around yours  but you're okay talking about it THEN WE CAN PROBABLY BE FRIENDS.
If you're devout, that's great too. but if you're like someone i was talking to on a rpg chat once who was like 'OBAMAS (more like osama omgomg lol haha im jkjkjk) NOT CHRISTIN LIKE ME BCUZ HES FOR SINFUL STUFF!!!1!1!!! AND GAY MARRIAGE!!1!!!1!! AND HE KILS BABYS BCUZ HE SUPPORTS ABORTION!!!1!!!1!!!' then I WILL JUDGE THE EVERLOVINGMOTHEROFFUCK OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I WILL BASICALLY NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE YOU SAY BECAUSE I WILL AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT YOU ARE A TOTAL ASSHOLE AND I WILL PROBABLY BE CORRECT.
I am really sorry for my rant on politics/religion there.
In any case. I probably won't be posting until around my birthday because I'm getting my ears pierced (FINALLY) and the play will be in full swing.
ALTHOUGH
i will be posting about the play.
it will be sporadic, but yes.
the school play this year is called And a Child Shall Lead and it's about these eight kids who are in Terezin, a ghetto in Czechoslovakia in 1942. I REALLY want the role of Eva and I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE CASTING IS GONNA BE BECAUSE IT'S ME VS MY FRIEND STORY FOR THE ROLE BASICALLY AND I
I will die if I don't get Eva. really.
So yes I will be posting cast updates and such and rehearsal so yes. :3

Living Contradiction


The pressure of my headphones on my head is strangely soothing.
I know I should loosen them, that they are too tight
But that same pressure is a constant
Unlike everything else.
You say you feel the way about him
And I say I don’t want to hear about it.
I don’t, I really don’t.
I tell you I love you, and you tell me about someone else.
You don’t text me back
And you leave me wondering
Is this really so broken?
Are we really so far apart, when we used to be inseparable?
We’re just a couple of teenagers
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am good at pretending
I am a better actor than you
Because I act like I can forget my issues
With love and life and depression and school and family
Because I have shit that I still haven’t worked through
And I don’t know if I will.
Less than a year, there have been 1.6 mass murders per week
If you average them, of course.
And that makes me think, I am done with the world
If I have to live in a place where people are killing other people
Innocent children and their own parents
Then maybe, though it pains you to hear it,
Maybe I don’t want to live here anymore.
I want to be skinny and beautiful
But I want to be loved for my smarts and my humor.
I sometimes want to commit suicide
But I think that people who do are selfish.
I don’t want to be depressed or anxious
But I won’t take my meds.
I want my love to love me too
But I want to be as far away from him as possible.
I am a living contradiction.
Is that why things are so hard?
(Also posted on sometimesrosewrites)

Friday, December 7, 2012

It's No Surprise to See You Here with Lydia

Fur Patrol. Lydia. Yeah.
I'm spending a day with her real-world counterpart tomorrow and I know I want to do this, but I also know that I'm going to be around my future potential teachers and my parents and my sister and her friends and that's scary.
That's really scary.
I think I'll live.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Loneliness And Best Friends (two of two personal observation posts for tonight)

So I miss school a lot. My friends know this, they notice when I'm not there. Or at least, I like to think that they do.
Now, I'm a very, very social person. I'm not an extrovert, I wouldn't say that, but half the time I just want to be with people. Other times I want to be alone and not deal with anyone and just be able to think. (This may have to do with my mild claustrophobia. Usually when I'm in my friend's treehouse with people other than just her I'm just like OHGOD LET ME BREATHE unless they're being quiet but that isn't the point anyway)
However, I can not go to school and be just fine until about eleven o'clock at night when I get a lump in my throat and my stomach feels so so empty and I want someone to hold me because I have had no direct socialization all day. Every time, I think, maybe omegle will help. Maybe chatous will help. And it never does. It just makes me lonelier because people are perverts and jerks and I cannot even. I lose the ability to even. I always just curl in on myself and I want to cry but I can't, the tears won't come and I can't fall asleep and then once I do I can't wake up, I don't want to wake up.
Also, just for the record, I whenever I don't go one day, go the next, and don't go the third day, it's because I always get asked, why were you gone? why are you gone so often? and some of you know and some of you don't and the ones who know are so sweet about it, but sometimes they forget because everyone forgets and then they ask and then I want to hide because I am ashamed of my illness. I have two different debilitating mental illnesses on top of each other and I don't like talking about them with my friends because I don't want to be different. I don't like it. I really don't. That's why I say them here, because I don't see your faces when you read my posts. I don't know what your immediate reaction is. And that makes me feel better. That's why my best friend didn't know, maybe still doesn't know, that I have this awful anxiety and depression and that I have an iPad as my planner because I have an executive function disorder because I'm really fucking smart and I've been tested, I know it sounds like I'm bragging and I'm always afraid that it will but I'm really fucking smart and I want to be able to say that without being judged for being self-centered which I am but who isn't and that i relate to the characters who want to commit suicide but she can never seem to realize that and that and that i wish we were closer but she's been pushing me further and further and further away and that i know maybe i've been pushing her away too but i want her back and that she's not making me want to be around her the way a best friend should make me want to be around them and that I'm not okay and she needs to ask more often because a lot of the time it seems like she doesn't care. I'm too scared to say this all to her face and we need to talk about it so badly but I can't, I just can't. I'm a fan of ignoring the problem until it goes away, in the words of Stiles Stilinski, who, oh, you know, is the character I relate to most in the world and I want to be batman but Scott won't let me be batman because I'm just the best friend, the human sidekick who isn't worth as much. She thinks she's not Scott, she thinks she's Erica, but no. Erica, oh, Erica believes in Stiles. If I'm Stiles, then she's Scott, ignoring my feelings and keeping me shut out. I have an Erica. I have two Ericas. Three, four. Four that I can think of. I have four Ericas, and none of them are her. She is my Scott. I have a Lydia, too, and a Derek, and they all respect me and listen to me and Scott never listens to Stiles. She is my Scott, and I'm too afraid to make her understand why.

Drama (there is nothing good about it)

(reposting because the formatting was kinda fucked up on the last one, but now I know how to fix it)
I don't want more drama. Right now, there's someone I like, and I want to tell him, but I know what happened last time I did that and it was the worst.
There's boys and there's girls and people say we're like different species but really, we all think the same way at our age. When can I possibly get homework done when I have so many friendships and enemies to maintain? and he's dating her but she likes him but he likes her and then there's her and him and they like each other but neither of them knows and how can I fix this with you, I know I screwed up and I'm sorry and what can I do to get his/her attention?
And I am tired of this. My grade has thirty-eight students. Think about that. At any public school, there'll be at least three times that in one grade. We're lucky that we only have this many peers to deal with, but unlucky that we all know each other so well that when a couple breaks up, we all have to take sides.
What if someone can't decide? It shouldn't be an issue, and I don't want it to be.
And yet. It happens, and it happens, and it will continue to happen until we all have our heads out of our asses instead of just a select few of us.

Numbers (One of two personal observation posts for tonight)

So I like numbers. They're (relatively) straightforward. In general, I really like math. Like, graphing? I love graphing. Multi-variable equations are like my best friends. But there are some numbers that I really, really don't like. Two is good, three is good, but I hate four and five. Same with one. It annoys me. I feel like there are personalities for numbers, at least ones that I have, and four is snobbish about being the smallest perfect square. Five is a pretentious asshole, for no particular reason. Six is rude and will never stop talking. I like seven and eight - eight is good. Eight is particularly kind. Most cubes are. Nine is alright, but it's only just tolerable. Like, it's been mean in the past and I'm walking on eggshells around it. And then there's zero. Zero is my absolute favorite number. If it's alone, it means nothing, and it doesn't have an opposite. I feel almost like it's a representation of myself - it is nothing, but it's incredibly important, and it's unique. When it is in between numbers, it is separating things and telling you how many. When it's on the end, it means that the number is a multiple of two and five. It's even, no matter what. It's a multiple of ten, no matter what. I also really like ten. It's simple to me.
But my favorite number is by far twenty-seven. I don't know why. I think it's because - well, it's a cube, it's three cubed, and two and seven are my third and second favorite digits, respectively. I watched a video on favorite numbers recently, and no one really knows why people are drawn to specific numbers. But for one of the vloggers interviewed, he said numbers have a sharpness. the two sharpest in zero to nine for him were three and seven, and that twenty-one was his favorite number because of that.
But yes. I like zero and two and seven and I don't really like any of the other digits that much. And twenty-seven speaks to me.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Dreams

I've never remembered my dreams. When I was little, my mom would ask me about them and i would make things up. More recently, though, I remember snippets of them, and most of my dreams don't run like the ones I've heard about from my friends. They run like stories. Example: I'm at the dojo where my group trains, which is inside of a complex with a common area, a performance area, living spaces, a mess hall, a shrine to the deities we worship (the Greek gods, I believe), and I'm sparring. I know that I have a special role here. I'm a chosen fighter and trainee or something. 'The chosen one' type of person who many look up to, thought also know that I'm relatively new to the environment. My sparring partner is Sami, and I beat her easily. We head back to our dorm together, and I have a message waiting for me saying that I am supposed to be the chosen one for a group who are my enemies - those who worship the Roman gods instead of the Greek. I have to go out of the compound to meet the people from the Roman camp, and I do, and when I get to the coffee shop we're meeting at, I realize that I know one of the boys who is with the Romans - and I have a crush on him. I have for years. (This is, in fact, a specific person, but I won't say who. It's not A.) I get my coffee and then I approach the Romans. They welcome me, but are very wary of my two companions... Who are Sami and Alina. They give me their reasoning for why I should join them, and I tell them I'll think about it. As we're leaving, I pull the one boy to the side and tell him how I feel. He pushes me away, goes back to his companions, and they leave without a backward glance. When I get back to my dorm, another message has arrived, saying that they take back their request and that they will be waging war on our compound. Sami and I run. We go to a Greek safe house, and are welcomed by the people there, although it is a bit crowded, and when I tell them my story, they are afraid of me because they seem to think I'll turn on them. When I explain what happened, though, they accept me and I get to know them better.
Yeah. I don't know what my subconscious is doing a lot of the time, but my point is, I don't remember a lot of my dreams. And when I do, they follow a more sensual, chronological storyline than many of the ones I've heard about.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I think I just realized how ridiculously creepy some of the things I like are.

Example: the ship Jogan from Dalton.
Julian and Logan, in most of the fanfic written about them, regularly verbally harass each other. Which, I mean, I do that to my friends, and they do that to me. But usually when I see that, my reaction is 'aww. they love each other'. Maybe that's because in this scenario, yes, they're together! that's great! that's what I desperately want because I know that they would be good for each other! but at the same time, verbal abuse is just as bad (or possibly worse) than physical abuse. I think this because it's harder for people talk about it and notice it because it isn't visible.
So yeah. I recognize that it's creepy. I apologize to all of you who have been thinking that all along.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop.

Desperately hoping that I'm not the only one.

I have nights when I just want someone to hold me. I know I'm thirteen, soon to be fourteen, and I have no experience, but I want someone to like me for me. I want someone to know my faults and accept them and maybe even like some of them even though I hate them. I'm just lonely and tired and no one is online to talk to. I should go to bed, I know that, considering that it's almost midnight and my sleep schedule is already fucked up because of my meds (which isn't uncommon, 20mg apparently means sleeping fifteen hours a day) so I switched to a lower dosage and this has become a complaint post. That was not what I was planning for it to be. But in any case. I just want someone to be my big spoon and tell me I'm okay just the way I am because I honestly do not and cannot believe that right now. I used to be able to, but right now I feel too big and too awkward and like I can't leave the house without makeup because I look washed out otherwise and I don't want to feel that way but I don't know what I can do to change.
I don't know if I want to change. Domestic abuse victims always want to stay with their abuser because they say they won't do it again and they're in love or whatever, and maybe I'm not trying to change because I think I still can. Which is kind of meta, but I'm a kind of meta person. I'm used to that.
Yeah. I don't know.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Important Days

 Do any of you read XKCD? It matters not, but I it is where I found this picture and thought - well, that's not necessarily true. It lists days like Christmas,  9/11, the New Year, April Fools Day, 4th of July...
And that doesn't make sense. Now, I love Randall - the artist - but this posts kind of made me go - oh. He might not be aware of how diverse his readership may be. 
Not to mention that there will be days that are meaningful to specific people. Example: January 22nd is very important to me because it is the date of my birth. October 16th is important to me because it's the day I got my heart broken. February 29th is meaningful to me because it's an anomaly and I find it intriguing. 
Keep in mind that, if you read the blurb at the top of the picture, it has to do with books in the English Language. But still.
What days are meaningful to you? Are they the important ones from this calendar? Why are they meaningful? What significance do they hold?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

I was thinking today, and somehow I got onto the assignments we do in Spanish every year - a new year's resolution, in Spanish, done artistically. And honestly, I don't know what mine will be this year. I considered asking a friend if 'to go off-meds without suicidal ideation' was too... mature/personal for a school setting. But that's what I want. I know that a while ago I said ten mg/day of Fluoxetine, but that has since doubled. It still has little (if any) affect, but I don't want to go off meds because I don't know if I would feel worse or what would happen.
So.
IDK.

Friday, November 23, 2012

When Harry Met Sally

So I just finished WHMS and it was so good. So sweet. Not only was the plot good, in that it kept watchers going OHGOD JUST KISS ALREADY but the characters were well developed and
I just
You guys I want a Harry. :( but yeah. Watch it if you ever get the chance to :)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

100 OHMYGOD YOU GUYS (also humanities vs. science)

Soooo this is my 100th post. I feel like I should get an 'official blogger' award or something. IDK.
Anyway, this post actually has a point. :)
On Google Plus, there's a picture that keeps coming up on my feed.
This one. The caption is 'comment - which are you?' or something similar. And I just want to say, I'm neither. I love binary and logic problems, and many parts of math and science come easily to me. But easy as they are, what I LIKE better are my classes dealing with humanities - history and english. I don't have favorite numbers, I have favorite letters. R, Z, O and B. My science teacher, Saint Campbell, says that he sees me as being very science-minded, when I know that I often make decisions based off of emotions and aesthetics. I want a lamp for over my bed, and I want the right one. Going shopping with my dad doesn't work; he's an engineer. He doesn't have as much of a need for aesthetic beauty, he prefers function over design. I understand that, but it isn't how my brain works. I can't look at Comic Sans font without cringing because it isn't pretty. Neither is Calibri. I always use Times New Roman because I cannot stand anything else.
So I'm not really either. I'm right handed, which means that my left brain is in control of that, but... I don't know. I doubt if anyone is definitely either.

I did my first Ikebana!!!

So proud. I mean, I hate it. Kind of. It didn't take me nearly as long as I had expected, though. Still! Elements! And colors! And stuff. I made a reflection video so. :)

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Things People Are Good At

My dad is good at doing things that I have been taught are wrong or rude
in front of me
like getting his phone out at a recital
that my sister could have been performing in, had things gone a little differently.
My mom is good at being kind
listening to me
and then scaring me shitless when she's angry.
My sister is good at writing
at asking for my opinion on it
at helping me with dressing for events
and at making me cry when she's tense.

Monday, November 19, 2012

i... crap. (Challenges!)

YOU GUYS I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO POST AGAIN
GODDAMNIT
Oh it was the song challenge
okay here I go:
day one (Song challenge. (I'm doing two, a song and a lyric)):
15 Day Song Challenge
day 01 - your favorite song
 _How To Be A Heartbreaker_ by Marina And The Diamonds.
♡ PART 7: "HOW TO BE A HEARTBREAKER" ♡ | MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS

And Lyric:
 A song that reminds you of your first love.
Goodnight and Go, Imogen Heap
~
Why'd you have to be so cute,
It's impossible to ignore you,
must you make me laugh so much,
it's bad enough we get along so well
say goodnight and go.

~
Yep yep yep.
I'm doin' things, seein' people, goin' places.
All that shit.
Actually I'm mostly sitting on my butt at home either watching Bones or chatting with people on google plus because I'm sick today, but THAT CHANGES TOMORROW
unless i'm vomiting because i only started feeling a little bit pukey tonight
BUT IT CHANGES TOMORROW
I WILL GO TO SCHOOL

AND THEN I WILL PIG OUT ON THURSDAY BECAUSE THANKSGIVING AND ALSO WARBLERS
I'M SO EXCITED.

Yes. 
that is all for today.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

AHHHHHHHH I'M NOT FREAKING OUT

THE TEASER TRAILER FOR CITY OF BONES WAS RELEASED TODAY AND
OHMYGODDDDDDD
ALEC IS PERFECT
JACE IS PERFECT
SIMON IS PERFECT
CLARY IS PERFECT
DOROTHEA IS PERFECT
HODGE IS PERFECT
AND VALENTINE. OH, VALENTINE, YOU ARE TRULY THE MOST PERFECT.
JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS IS JUST REALLY ATTRACTIVE OKAY
ALSO LUKE AND MAGNUS
BUT THEY WEREN'T IN THE TRAILER
BUTBUTBUTBUT
YOU GUYS
ENOUGH REAL FOOTAGE FOR A TRAILER. I WAS CRYING.
SO PROUD.
ALSO MR. ZEGERS IS DONE FILMING AND I KINDA WENT 'oh. He's not really in this one GODDAMNIT' BUT STILLLLLLL
SIMONNNNN
AND CLARYYYYYY
AND AND AND JAAAAAACE.
I have to wait until August :(

APP UPDATE

I am in love with the revised blogger app. I had been using the iPhone/iPod version, but it got updated and works on iPad and I can switch the screen rotation and OH THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. So now I might actually use the app and update more often :)

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Do you ever have that feeling where you want to make a statement, but you don't know what to do?

I'm having that feeling right now. I want to scream at the world, 'DON'T MAKE MY ANXIETY WORSE. I HAVE GOOD IDEAS, LISTEN TO ME'. But I don't.
People might appreciate it, but nothing would get done.
Goddamnit.

Binge (6 Poems at Once)

I didn't write any of them all that recently, but they're the best ones in my poetry folder.
there are six new poems up since my epiphany only not essay and i don't know how many people read that blog but i like it better.

Friday, November 9, 2012

I never realized this before.

People have feelings that accompany seeing them for everyone. It may be happiness of hatred or confusion, but there's always something. For me, though, I see them as colors. My friends are a Kelly green, a bright purple, pinky-magenta, and ice blue. I know who all of those colors relate to in my mind, and no one else does. I see emotions and people and memories as colors. Is that like synesthesia, or is there another word for that?
Whatever. I see my friends as colors. And fictional characters. Stiles is dark gray, Derek is crimson. Hermione Granger was always navy blue. Jace is burnt gold. Julian is a dark purple-red. Daisy was bright white with a touch of cream around the edges and in the center, a spiral of baby pink. Jay was gold and gray and red.
Is that weird? That seems really weird to me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

OVER 1000 PAGEVIEWS.

You guys. OMG.
So I feel awesome right now. I have 1039 total pageviews :3
All I have to say is thank you.
I know I've been whiny and sad and I sometimes feel like I'm forcing my problems on whoever is reading those posts.
And even though I feel that way, you have all been so supportive. You've told me that it's worth it, to keep going, that yeah, he was a jerk.
So thank you, thank you, thank you. SO much.
I can't even.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Personal DNA

This.
...Yeah.
I'm not surprised. Low confidence, high attention to detail and style, low openness.
I get overcommitted and set in my ways.
Yeah.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Boost

www.sometimesrosewrites.blogspot.com
I'm posting a bit more over there. And I did actually start transcribing stuff from my journal. Maybe my reasoning is screwy because it's late, but I'm not taking it down. That's my policy. So yeah. Go check it out, maybe?

Friday, November 2, 2012

Damn NBC.

Animal Practice got cancelled. Screw NBC, it was good. Also Justin Kirk's mom (her name is Sam or Samantha and she's like super nice) is like my aunt's good friend and she's a nurse and she takes care of my grandma when we're on trips. And I know Justin's niece. I went to Mariah Arts with her. Rawr.
No but seriously, it was good and there are only ever gonna be eight episodes and I want moooooore, dammit.
It had a monkey, you guys. An honest-to-god monkey. It's name was Dr. Rizzo and it was a sassy monkey. And Angela! She was like, super funny. Damn NBC.

I don't understand.

Why can't I feel like everyone else? Why can't my life be the fairytale everyone thinks it is, thinks a girl's life is and should be? Why can't I be perfect like they tell me to be?
Why is my heart too big to ignore people's problems but too small to even deal with my own? Why is normal impossible for me, much less my clearer-minded friends?
I don't get why I can't have what I want. Maybe I don't deserve it. I don't deserve a lot of things. But can't I at least feel like I'm not the one girl who wore pink when we were supposed to wear yellow?
Can't I be the one who blends in? It's not like I don't make an effort.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

ROBERT PATTINSON SINGS?

Oh I see how it is.
HE'S REALLY GOOD, DAMMIT.

People think I like pop.

They're wrong. I really like indie music. Birdy, Marina & the Diamonds, Florence + the Machine, Emily and The Woods, The Staves, The Honey Trees. I don't know. I found a bunch of new bands last night, the latter three, and that's the kind of music I love. It's all unsigned British singer/songwriters and they're all incredibly talented. I like knowing things that other people don't, trivia, and they might be why. When I first discovered R5, no one had heard of them and I was so proud because they seemed like they were MINE.  But then Ross got on Disney channel and I was really excited, but I can't say that they haven't changed at all. Their style is different and honestly, I'm not sure I like it as much.
Whatever. I'm weird.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

But 'm not tired.

I'm  actually often not sleepy, even at eleven or later. I'm used to staying up til about one, even on school nights. Shh, don't tell. I can still get there just fine, though I might be a little sleepy. Poiiiint is, I know I'm gonna be up for a LITTLE while (I'll try to sleep soon I promise) but for now I need something to do. Maybe for half an hour or so?
I'll just have to think.

Monday, October 29, 2012

ok so this is off topic from like everything but

if anons leave comments (and it's someone i know), i would appreciate it if you had your name somewhere in the comment (unless it's incriminating and/or you just aren't comfortable saying who you are - in which case, say so! i don't judge for stuff like that). i'm putting a lot of trust into my readers by letting you leave comments anonymously, and it would make me feel better.
so yeah i'll go back to whining now.

i have a writing blog.

and i think much of my posting will happen over there, because here on mylifeisnotaship i feel contained to para form, and freeform verse lets me whine better.
the url is sometimesrosewrites.blogspot.com if you care.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

I saw Wicked again yesterday.

It was even better than last time. So worth it. I have a shirt :) Went out to dinner, then went and visited cousins and learned Rummikub. Best thing.
So yesterday was kind of awesome.
And now I'm lonely and down again. I don't understand why that happens: I have a good day, and I think that my positivity will carry over to the next day, but it never does.
Does having a really good day drain my happiness? Why can't I be okay for more than one day?

Friday, October 26, 2012

well that was depressing.

here's what I did at the party tonight: danced, spent about half an hour in the bathroom crying, and danced some more.
god, why is this so hard? I'm so sick of everything being screwed up and feeling like this, like I'm never enough.
Don't you leave me brokenhearted tonight.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I started a new journal.

It's for poetry. I might transcribe stuff onto my writing blog.
But it's mostly really, really personal poetry that I think might embarrass or offend people. So far, at least. If it becomes more neutral, then I'm more likely to post it.
Yep.
Writing poetry is kind of (incredibly) therapeutic to me. I'm not very confident in my skills in visual art, i.e. drawing, painting, etc., so I write a lot, and I always feel like I can express myself better that way. Sometimes, if I just use color, I can express myself visually, but it's easier for me to write because I feel like I can go back on it and change it and that's something I love being able to do. Even this post, as I'm writing it, I'm sure I'll look back later and want to change it somehow. But the point is, I like to write. A lot of people I know don't understand that. But I like to write, and I've been told I'm good, and it makes me feel better.
That is all.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Yew Guise

I can haz poneetale. After liek. Two munths. Omgomgomg.

...heh...

I just want there to be male bloggers my age, okay? And maybe if they aren't religious bloggers? Yeah, that would be great.

Here is what I am doing:

Watching the debate. Listening to the only two candidates who have a chance of getting elected talk about the situation in the Middle East and about the economy. Wanting to bury my head in the sand (somewhere on the other side of the planet) because I JUST WANT THIS TO STOP. I WANT AMERICA TO HAVE SMART PEOPLE. I WANT EQUAL RIGHTS AND LOGICAL EVERYTHING AND THEY AREN'T. EVEN. TALKING. ABOUT. FOREIGN. POLICY. THIS IS ABOUT EDUCATION. I WANT FOREIGN POLICY YEW GUISE GODDDDD.

WHY IS IT RAINING.

I was just outside for about five minutes, under cover, and my teeth are still chattering. Why is it so coooold?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I don't know who I am anymore.

Dear McAwesome, Darth Veda, and Fun Sized Awesome

Thank you. Thank you for your words and just everything.
McAwesome, I don't know you that well. (Though I wish I did, you seem really cool and I know you're funny and smart.) But knowing that you felt similar? That means a lot. I never would have guessed that. Never. I guess no one is quite what they seem at first glance.
Darth Veda, I've known you for a loooong time, but only gotten close (at least, as close as I get to anyone) to you in the past year or so. And I'm really, really grateful for that. (You let me fangirl about my LoTR slash shipping without hurting me. well, USUALLY without hurting me. ;P) What's more, even if you don't totally get it, you're willing to try and make it better. Your email yesterday? I nearly cried. Thank you.
And finally, Fun Sized Awesome. You are the actual best. I can alternately drool over and cry over guys and you tolerate me, unlike some people (coughcoughcamelgirlcoughcough), not to mention that you tell me when I'm overstepping and you make me listen to your problems because that is what true friends do. they are mean to each other, but only to an extent (coughcoughcamelgirlcoughcough). I hate you to the isles of the blest, sweetie. Never stop.
So again. Thank you.
I can do this.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

tonight is melancholy.

i'm lonely. i saw pitch perfect with rachel, and it was awesome, but now i'm alone and tired and things suck and i want someone to hold me.
someone specific, but it's not like that's gonna happen.
ever.
so i'm stuck here alone, wanting and waiting and wondering.
pondering.
wondering if it's all worth it.
i don't know anymore.

(i'm a writer. deal with it.)

i'm sitting.
sitting and waiting.
waiting, but i don't know what for.
i want to know what for.
i want things to change.
change and get better.
better and happier, brighter, like things are finally looking up again.
again and again and again i find myself waiting without knowing
flying over the precipice of wonder
waiting on the edges of life
for something to happen.
for things to change
change and get better
better and happier, brighter.
brighter than the sun.
(our class song is we are young, and sometimes i even want that to change)
I want to meet people
do things
make a difference
a dent
i want people to know my name
my friends
my family
they don't know what it's like
not being able to look someone in the eye and say
i know what i want
i've had that once
i said
i know what i want
and that's you
and he beat me down
love pricks like thorn, after all
and don't i know it
i relate more than i'd like to say
beca is lonely
she closes herself off
and i
i do the same
and i wish i had a jesse
someone stupidly sweet
who told me to get my shit together
but life isn't like that
my life isn't a movie
my life is bullshit
listening to pop and obscure tracks
reading classics and the newest chick lit
taking photos and wanting to learn graphic design
i am stuck in the past
long before my time
but
then i realize
that times are holding me down
i need something more advanced
i need sherlock's mind palace
i need jarvis
i need the stuff of legend
science fiction
but i want the hipster culture
vinyl and tights and mod dresses
vintage is my vice
but my iPad is my best friend
(except that it doesn't have a word processor, but that's okay)
i don't know which way to go.

two things (one much more important than the other)

1. 70th post on this blog. wow. 70th.
2. I don't get it. Nothing in particular, I just don't. get. it.
I'm sick of drama and being confused and having to deal with things.
I'm so tired. I sometimes want to sleep and never wake up because I'm so over having to deal with people and politics and romance and damn emotions.
A lot of my friends don't know this, and this may be a wake-up call to them, but I'm on anti-depressants that double as anti-anxiety meds. 10 mg per day.
I feel happier than I have in years. A couple of weeks ago my mom asked if I remembered what it was like. I automatically thought "what, being happy? no, I don't."
She meant the sadness. The empty ache of loneliness. Of not speaking.
She meant the keeping everything inside, not dealing with things. Letting them accumulate and pile on top of each other until they came spilling out all at once.
I don't care who knows. If I get bull for it, well, I can stand up for myself now.
I'm not a doormat.
But at the same time, I don't put myself first.
I want people to be happy. They deserve it. I don't see why I would, but they do.
they. deserve. whatever. they. want. from. life.
and maybe that's not healthy.
sometimes, a lot of the time, i look at my friends and think, why am i friends with these people?
Many of them I don't trust. Many of them say things that aren't supposed to hurt but strike my deepest fears, my most internal points.
The parts I don't show anyone.
I don't know anyone because when I did, when I used to, I got hurt.
I was proud of my art and someone else said, 'I can color inside the lines better than you'.
I was proud of my intelligence and someone said, 'I've been doing that forever. those are easy.'
I was proud of my work and I got behind in class because I cared when no one else did. My teachers would chastise me for working at a different pace.
I was proud to have a sister in fifth grade. One of her classmates said to me, 'she told me to massacre you' when she never did and he slapped me. I was seven.
I was proud.
And someone tore it all down.
It was never the same person, see. It was always different, always unexpected.
...
I'm doing a lesson on insecurities for the sixth grade class at my school. Me and my friends.
And the person who broke my heart on tuesday.
After leading me on for two days.
Jerk.
But that's not the point.
The point is, I am insecure. I am so incredibly insecure but I never say anything about it. My insecurity that I'm going to talk about in this lesson is 'anxious'. I have a generalized anxiety disorder. It's paralyzing. It's why I miss school. It's part of why I have an iPad instead of a planner.
I'm getting accommodations this year and I really, really wish I weren't. I get attention for it. People ask, why do you have an iPad? Why weren't you here? And I want to scream at them, to tell them to get out of my business, that I would tell people if I trusted anyone, anyone, anymore.
I don't trust anymore. I can't trust anymore. I'm more closed off than ever. It used to be that I had a best friend who I told everything and she never told anyone.
And then someone else got between us. Someone who I've known longer and have always liked better. We go to different schools now.
I made a new best friend.
Sami.
I love her with all my heart.
But she knows she's mean. She's got my back, and I know that, but I'm not as close to her as I was either of my friends in elementary school.
I'm not close. I don't do close.
I do squealing and gossiping and I miss close.
I miss happiness and simplicity and wishing I was older. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it's not all that great.
That I am not me. I am a shell who doesn't know what to do because she doesn't do close.
I am makeup and this blog and whatever book I can get. I am fashion and beauty and boys because I can't be myself because I don't know who I am.
I don't know anything about who I am.
I want to, but I can't figure it out.
I am my statistics.
Emily Rose. Cis-female. 13 (Jan. 22). Eighth grade. Washington State. Parents are a civil engineer and a lawyer (both state workers). I have a sister. I have three pets. My parents are still married.
I like to write. I like to dance. I like to read. Especially classics. (The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald might be my favorite book. It might also be The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky or Shine by Lauren Myracle.) I have a lot of friends. I go to a private school for smart kids. John Green and Cassandra Clare are my favorite authors. I like superheros. Marvel ones. I'm pro-choice and pro-love.
I like late nights and coffee and good music is obscure music and/or Maroon 5. I like photography and flowers and dollhouses and tights. I like the idea of love and models and makeup and pictures of food. I like anime and sci-fi and romance. I like soccer and swimming and basketball and gymnastics. I like being relevant but disconnected. I like creating things instead of using them.
I like television and movies and actors. I like Disney Princesses and Hello Kitty and Winnie the Pooh and pastel colors. I like Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings and the Bronte sisters and Jane Austen and the smell of old paperback novels.
I like the smell of grass and chocolate and perfume and ink and honey and farms.
I like the warmth of dogs and the sass of cats and the gentleness of horses and the aloofness of chickens.
I miss liking life.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I don't like Thursdays.

Thursdays are when my sister has Knowledge Bowl and my grandma goes shopping, so I'm alone from when I get home at two fifty or so to about four. Sometimes later.
Thursdays are lonely. Today feels like a Friday, because I have no school tomorrow, but it's still a Thursday and I can't just sit in the family room and watch Angel with my sister because she's not here.
So I don't much like Thursdays.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

aaand

as soon as I finished that post and put my computer down, i DID have something to blog about.
my thumbdrive just broke and now I'm laughing at myself.
seriously. it has a case and then the little chip inside of it and they just came apart. so i have this piece ^^

and this piece.
Shh i'm awesome.

Sup.

I don't really have anything to write about today.
But. I feel like posting. So here, have a picture of a llama.












And some bunnies in cups.













And maybe I'll throw in a tiny deer.












Perhaps a Dylan O'Brien? Yes?


















(That one doesn't stay within the 'eee adorable' parameters so much, more of a 'hnnng' but that isn't always the case. sometimes Dylan is 'eee adorable'.)
Okay last one: Back to 'eee adorable'. Daniel Sharman.


















(But fear not, dear readers: Daniel Sharman is possibly even more 'hnnng'-worthy than Dylan. Trust me.)
This is my post for the day.
You're welcome.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Tell me.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone has any idea what's going on in my head. I mean, I talk all the time, but I don't say the important things, the 'I love you's and 'you matter's and 'I need you right now's.
When I do, people ignore them.
Am I the boy who cried wolf? Who doesn't say the things that matter, so they get ignored?
If I am, then how am I supposed to change?

Friday, October 12, 2012

Oh and did I mention.

My EGP is going to be Ikebana. I might already have a mentor and some resources and I'm really excited.
Basically I'm going to study the art of it, create arrangements, and deliver them to a local nursing home (where my grandmother lived until her death) on a bi-weekly or monthly basis. I'll take photos of each one, and maybe post them. Maybe create an entirely new blog for Ikebana. (This is something I want to continue, so... you never know.)
This is going to be so much fun :D

words

we keep talking and talking and talking
you and me
you and i
he and she
the ones everyone speculates about.
we keep talking
but never working anything out
i know that you know
i feel rational
like talking to you is ten times as easy
and we use our words
we're teenagers
we pretend like we know what we're doing
so we use our words
but we don't say anything.
all that talking
all that talking
and we've gotten nowhere.
please
we need to get somewhere
you can talk to me.
you should know that.
can we make this clearer for both of us?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Heyy.

I keep blogging about how long it's been since I've blogged. Which is boring.
Thus, this is not a post about how long it's been since I've blogged.
It's a post about...
Him.
I don't know if he reads this.
I know I gave him a link, a long time ago.
I know he knows how I feel.
I know he 'zapped' me today at break.
I know I want to go through with it.
But I also know that someone else has said that I shouldn't, because he doesn't know what he would say.
So, if he's reading this, I ask him now: If I went through with the 'zap', what would he say? Would he break my heart because he doesn't know for sure, or would he let us try this?
Because if he's so confused that he might say no, then I'm not going to. I'm going to ask him to give me space so that maybe (maybe) I can get over him. But if he'll let us try... then I'm going to do it.
I am going to let myself be freed from a confinement that I've placed on myself for over a year. I'm going to let myself wonder and live. I'm going to let myself be happy.
And that's what would be best for me.
But.
If it's not best for him, then he shouldn't say yes.
He should give me that space, let me see if I can be just as happy on my own.
I just wish this were easier.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

OMG WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

My sister just came into my room carrying a plastic sword, came over to my bed, and then left after saying 'Oops, wrong door'.
WHAT. I AM CRYING.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I'm sorry, Dum.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I'm like this. I'm sorry that two sides of the same coin are so incredibly different that our differences led to this.
I'm sorry I lost you.
But maybe this is for the best. I promise I can do better. I promise.
This will all blow over. It'll come to a close and I won't be such an awful friend anymore. I know I've sucked for the past few weeks.
At the same time, though, you can't blame this completely on me. I told you because I thought I could trust you and I thought you had my back. I guess I was wrong.
And that's okay. We all make mistakes. I make more of them than some people. I'm hugely flawed. I get that. Hell, I can't even talk to him without getting slightly nauseous. But you don't care at this point, do you?
I'm so, so sorry.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

No.

It's both. It's that this book is everything to me - everything - and I can't miss it, but also that you won't even consider it. I can do it, you know. I function well like that. You don't even know.

School started.

Did I mention that? i don't have adventures when school's in sesh. not even on weekends. today I sat around and finished The House of the Scorpion (which is REALLY good, thanks to Jenna for letting me borrow her copy) and then beat my high score on Temple run about eight times (2,818 meters. or thereabouts.) and then went to Sami's, where I watched like two and a half episodes of Psych and made ridiculously dirty jokes in front of a fifth grader (oops) and that's not really adventures. at least not stuff like tipping the sailboat and traveling all day and shopping and
and
and september-may is boriiiiing. grr. but I'll try to keep this up. I like blogging. It's fun :)
Probably once I get my EGP started I'll post about that.
EGPs are Eighth Grade Projects, or basically culminating projects at my middle school. So far I want to either build a victorian-style dollhouse with my pseudo-uncle or learn a programming language.
Yeah.
Also I need a spanish name. I kind of want to be La Reina, because 'the queen', or La Reina De La Princesa De Esperanza (The queen of the princess of Hope, AKA Grant's queen), just for comic relief, but the acrostic would be hell. So I'm not gonna go there.
Nope nope nope. La Reina would be doable though. And Reina was a kind of awesome character (from The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan, #2 in The Lost Hero series or whatever it's called).
I might go with that. or just Rosa, which can either mean Rose (I think) or pink. I'll have to look it up. I wonder if there's a translation for something like Loki? Maybe I could be La Diosa De La Travesura (I almost wrote diosa as dea because dea is the latin word for goddess and the only other word I know for it. also Deo and Dea make more sense to me. On another note, I'm trying to teach myself Italian with an app. it's not going very well. The word for fly (insect) is Mosca. Zebra is Zebra. Lots of cognates). Nope, that's too long for the acrostic.
Anyway. 8th grade, so I don't have to decide until a week from Wednesday. Oh, also I'll write about Camp Colman, when we get there. :)

Friday, September 7, 2012

iPads are the best. Really.

I mean, it's actually for school and helping me keep track of assignments better, but I know I won't be able to use it after this year, in high school, sooo... It'll just be, you know, an iPad. YES we has an iPad. it's really exciting. I have a buttload of apps already, but I need more, like, photo editing ones. Any suggestions? at all? (also the app is cappy, i'm using my case with an integrated keyboard but it's oriented sideways, sooo... :/ still. I got a white one :) Any suggestions for good apps? I already have Angry Birds, Temple Run, Fruit Ninja, Sky Burger, etc....

Monday, September 3, 2012

I HAVE A SURPRISE.

If less of my friends and more people I don't know read this I'd say. But my friends will all know by Wednesday (unless they aren't there for the first day of school or they're Quinn because he LEFT DAMN HIM HE WON'T SEE IT D: ) and then I'll probably post a photo. Somewhere. :) Maybe before and after?
I'm super happy with it though.
:D

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Warning: there is a travesty in this post.





I haven't blogged in a couple of days, and I'm sorry. But yesterday I didn't get to my computer until about eleven thirty because I was in... PORTLAND!
Aaaand. I didn't go to Powell's. *cringes*
I'm sorry but it was eleven by the time we got home anyway and I wouldn't have new Toms if I had. *sniffs haughtily*
So yeah. Shopping, but no Powells. We went to an Army Surplus store (where I did NOT get a gasmask, sadface) where I got my new schoolbag, which is pretty cool :) All of my nice gear this year is apparently black. My portfolio, my bag... IDK.
So Army surplus, which was cool, considering I'd never been to one before, and then Anthropologie. Ohmygod, I adore Anthro. It's beautiful and wonderful and really freaking expensive. And there was this dress.  I can't find it online, else I would link it, but it was gorgeous. It was like, jersey lined and then blue polka dot mesh and a little above knee length and super pretty. And about $60 above my Anthro budget, but what can you do? I didn't get it, but I have a really cute bi-color, long-sleeve top that I'll probably wear all the time this year :D
So after Anthropologie we went and found this little consignment store that actually has a bunch of locations ALL over the US, but still. It's called the Buffalo Exchange and I got a TON of stuff there. My favorite is a green shirt with gold foil sunglasses and, in athletic lettering, the word 'LEGIT'. And then we went to Nordstroms and I got Toms! They're SUPER comfortable and they're these ones. THEY'RE SO COMFY. I LOVE THEM. 
The final stop before coming home was Voodoo Doughnuts. Which I didn't go into, sadface, because they were cooking bacon. The smell of it makes me sick. But I got an old fashioned and it was delicious. So. :)

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Tonight was awesome.

It was the parent orientation night at my school, no kids allowed, so naturally, a third of my grade was there. We hung out outside, talking and comparing schedules and ohmygosh, I missed all of them so much. <3
And.
You were there. 
And.
That was painful.
But I talked to a couple of other people (H, K, S, M, R and A) and they get it. I'm not alone.
J might be useful. I can't wait for school to start so I can figure this frickin' feelings thing out. It's total bullshit when people tell you to just tell someone because there are a thousand different ways they could react and the odds of them reacting the way you want them to are slim to none.
Not to say that I'm not going to just tell you, because I really, really want to, and I have it all planned out in my head.
I just need to get a couple of things sorted out first.
I almost wish I had come to this realization before A came along. They'll make it all more difficult.
But I'll get through this.
There are a dozen people who have my back.
I will get through this, whether it turns out well or not.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fashion post!

Whoo. So I follow (well, I say follow, really I just you Really Simple Syndication, or RSS feeds) this blog called Fashion of Glee. It's like, everything a Glee character has ever worn. The item, the designer or brand, the price, where you can get it, if it's still available, etc.
Also, the actors.
Basically, all of the ladies wear all Christian Louboutin shoes, all the time. Sometimes, the gents do too.
But.
Through Glee, I have found that I adore this designer.
Look at the shoes. All of you. Gaze at them in awe.

















I believe the ladies of Glee have actually worn #3 and #6 up there, for red carpet events. And they always look fantastic.
But really. They're gorge shoes, and I wish I could afford a single shoe, much less multiple pairs XD
Ugh, designer is so expensive...

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Hey.

You guys.
My awesomely lovely readers.
I have a new blog.
Submissions are totally open, just whatever you have to add about love.
Spread the word, maybe?

why'd you have to be so cute?

it's impossible to ignore you
why must you make me laugh so much?
it's bad enough we get along so well
goodnight and go.
one of these days
you'll miss your train
and come stay with me
we'll have drinks and
talk about things
any excuse to stay awake with you
i'll sleep here, you'll sleep there
but then the heating may be down again
at my convenience
we'd be good, we'd be great, together...
say goodnight and go.
(Goodnight And Go, Imogen Heap)

Yay! Cryptic, non-specific blog posts!

I'm sorry, but I need somewhere to say something. And since this is my blog, it'll be here.
I've talked myself out of it. Every time, I think, I can do this.
Every time, I think, but you'll flip out. It'll ruin what we have. I can't do this, why did I ever think I could?
No matter who I talk to, I talk myself out of it. I'm a pro when it comes to arguing, and I try to argue my way out of talking to you.
But I need to. Everyone I ask says it might end best if I talk to you. If you don't know what I mean, then you can leave me alone.
A few people say I should anyway. Ask you to give me space, I mean. Sometimes I think it might be for the best.
Someone I trust and admire told me, "...my suggestion would be to take time away from [them]. Don’t be mean to them, but spend time meeting new people." Maybe that's what I should do, I'll think. Maybe I'd get over you, move on and find someone else.
But then I'll remember that sometimes I go weeks or months without seeing you, and suddenly, you're all I can think about. How much I miss you, how incredibly you are, how much I care about you. I wonder what you're doing. 
I plan out how I'll tell you everything next time I see you.
It never happens.
So I guess it'll stay like this for now. I'm sorry it has to be this way, because you don't know how much I would love for you to know, but I can't tell you. Not yet.
Maybe one of these days.

Enough is enough.

but what is 'enough'?
At times
I feel like I'm not enough
whether it's not thin or pretty or smart or 'normal' or just plain good enough,
I think everyone has moments like that.
And in those moments, we just need to remember
that everyone has felt that way
and that we are not alone.
<3

Sunday, August 26, 2012

aaaand by publishing that post i have probably made a dreadful mistake.

now you'll all pester me about who I have a crush on (if you don't know), won't you?
crap.
No reverting to drafts. That is my rule on this blog together and I am sticking to it.
So there.

Contrary to popular belief...

It's not all about the looks for me. I have all of these celebrity crushes, and they're really attractive (look at Daniel Sharman you guys just look he's beautiful) but the personalities I know aren't necessarily them and I recognize that and I don't like them nearly as much as anyone I actually know. I was having this discussion with S today in relation to the person I have a crush on (well, I say crush. it's a bit more than that) because he's not typically thought of as attractive.
He's not the standard of hotness for guys these days. (though really, none of the guys I know are, so. Heh.)
But that isn't what's important to me anymore. Apparently. I'm not sure when this occurred, but it seems to have occurred and that's what's important.
But yeah. I mean, not only do I like him (a lot [like a lot a lot]) for who he is, but I do happen to be attracted to him.
I don't know. It's just something I realized.
Not really relevant. Probably none of you care.
Whatever.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I've been lame and missing and I'm sorry.

I've been surprisingly unbusy this week. My sister got her wisdom teeth out (oh, the joy. THE PAIN AND SUFFERING)... I spent a couple of days with some of my friends from school who I haven't seen since CTE ended... Um... I've kind of worked out through a counselor a tutor for this year! He went to my school, he's in college now, and he's probably going to work with me once a week on long-term projects and stuff. Or if Dad's at trainings and can't help with my math. Heh.
Aaaaand today my friend Rachel had her Bat Mitzvah! It was a huge deal and super fantastic. My family isn't Jewish, and not a lot of my friends are, so her's was the first I've ever been to, and it was so much fun. I read a translation of her Torah portion, or an Aliyah, during the ceremony, and got to listen to a lot of Hebrew. It's such a gorgeous language, especially because most of the prayers are sung by the congregation. Then we headed to the reception/party/thing(whatdoicallitracheliknowyou'rereadingthis) and the food was awesome to epic proportions.
And we danced (and we cried. and we laughed. and had a really, really good time. haha. no. sorry.) a bunch (four?) different dances that are apparently usually performed (is that the right word here?) at Jewish celebrations (or maybe just Bat/Bar Mitzvahs, I don't know).
My favorite was the one where the guests entertained the (well, technically bride and groom, it's traditionally a wedding dance, but whatever) the Bat Mitzvah and her parents.
Ohmygosh. Her uncle and Rabbi Seth are fantastic dancers. So much fun to watch. (also Rabbi Seth just did all of the dance moves, even when it was the seventh grade girls leading. that was fantastic. Rachel, your Rabbi is one of my favorite people ever.)
Soooo that was kinda my day.
Also I got to hang out with Sami (who I hadn't seen since the end of CTE, like forrealz, even though we've both been back for a week) and Jake and Quinn.
And I get to go to Sami's and spend endless hours in the treehouse with her and Quinn tomorrow.
Today was good.
Also, on an unrelated note, and I swear this will be the last time I talk about this, I have a huge readership from Russia now.
How cool is that? Also, now a minor one from Australia. Hey, my dear Russian readers, any chance of you logging in to leave comments? Or following, so that I know who you are? I'd love to get to know you :D
~Rose

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

OHMYGOD. I MISSED SOMETHING.

Because. This.
THIS IS A THING THAT HAS HAPPENED AND SHADOWHUNTER GEAR IS OFFICIALLY A THING
AND
I UM I STARTED CRYING.
ACTUALLY I STARTED HYPERVENTILATING
THEN I BARGED INTO K'S ROOM AND SHOVED MY LAPTOP IN HER FACE
AND THEN STARTED CRYING BECUASE
HE IS PERFECT
AND THE REDHEADED CHICK BEHIND HIM IS LILY FRICKIN COLLINS
WHO IS ALSO PERFECT
AND JEMIMA
AND KEVIN
BUT MOSTLY
WELL
MOSTLY IT'S ROBBIE WHO'S PERFECT
I MEAN LOOK AT HIM YOU GUYS
LOOK AT HIM
SERIOUSLY

THE ENTIRE CAST IS LIKE ACTUALLY PERFECT
UGHHHH
THIS IS SO NOT OKAY
I AM SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SERIES AND THE ENTIRE CASTING PROCESS THAT WHEN I REALIZED THAT THEY STARTED FILMING EITHER TODAY OR YESTERDAY I WAS FREAKING OUT
LIKE REALLY
I BLAME CASSANDRA CLARE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE
I mean really.
It's just plain rude.
S and I were talking today, about how when the movie comes out and there's way too much hype, we'll go see it and when the bit at the end arrives, and Valentine tells Jace that Clary is his sister, we'll just be sitting in the back of the theater laughing our butts off.
And then we'll get crap from newbies for shipping Clace because 'No! Incest is bad! No!'. Whatever.
Also, if they leave that bit with Luke and Valentine is, I'll just whisper, 'no homo,' whether the line is the same or not.
I mean really. The line 'You ripped my heart out years ago,' just needs a 'no homo' tacked on to the end of it.
Ooh. I wonder when they'll start filming with Godfrey? I can't wait to see how they dress him. I expect skintight leather, exposed skin, bright colors, and just the right amount of glitter.
And the occassional Victorian-era piece thrown in (preferably with the leather and glitter.)
We all know he'll werk it ;D

Sooo...

When did South Korea come into the picture?

Monday, August 20, 2012

I JUST

I
SCREW YOU, DARLING
I LOVE YOU. WITH ALL MY HEART.
BUT YOU CAN'T PLACE BETS WITH HIM ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
ESPECIALLY NOT
oh, screw it.
why shouldn't you?
How much was it for, anyway?
I'll try to rig it in your favor :D
i mean, we're both good actors. I don't necessarily have to come clean.
wait.
yes i would.
ohhh crap.
I hate you.
No, I don't.

Hey, You.

Yeah, You.
Stop what you're doing. I don't care what it is.
This is important.
You're really cool.
You're interesting.
You're worth something to someone. To me.
You're beautiful.
You can do whatever you want to.
You're incredible at what you love.
You're kind.
People respect you.
Any you know what else?
You deserve to be happy.
If you're feeling down today, don't be.
The sun is shining today.
It's shining for you.
Revel.
Be happy.
Smile for me. You have a gorgeous smile.
Use it more often.
There's just one more thing I need to tell you.
Then you can go back to your task at hand.
Do you know what I need to tell you?
I didn't think so.
So here I go:
I love you.
You're fantastic.
If you're my friend, then you know it's true.
I love you. So much.
If I've never met you, well, you should still know it's true.
And whether I know you or not, know this:
I am not the only person who feels that way.
Think about it.
At least three other people you know love you.
At least.
Trust me.

First day of the real world.

I couldn't sleep past 10. Which is good, considering that I only have two weeks to acclimate back to a school schedule (dammit i hate those), but...
Ugh I have nothing to do.
And, as of recently (inexplicably), I hate that feeling. I have to be doing something, I have to be productive or else I get grumpy.
Grumpy Rose is not good.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Formatting.

And stuff. So on a couple of posts (see the one before this one for an example) when I look at them, the first few lines are highlighted so that you can't see the text.
I can't figure out why.
So is you really care, just click and drag to highlight it with your mouse (or if you're a hipster like me and use a trackpad, then with that) (or if you're more of a hipster and use a tablet ala Wacom) and it should show up.
Unless I'm the only one having that problem with my blog? IDK.
Let me know.

Home (at long, long last)

...I love the mountains, I love the Puget Sound, I love Seattle, I love the liberals, I (really) love cloudy days, and all the pointy trees, boom deyada boom deyada boom deyada boom deyada...
I get to sleep in my own bed tonight. Thank god
I don't believe I ever mentioned how awful the Southwestern/Mexican food is in the Midwest.
Ohmygosh. It's awful.
Taco Del Mar was delicious compared to that. Ugh.
Also, because I've basically had Italian food or fish every night for the past ten days, I really, really want, like, Indian food or Tempura or something. I need flavor.
Flavor, but...Healthy. All healthy.
I started designing an exercise regime for myself while I was in Michigan, because I felt bad that I was missing my dance class. Crunches and stair steps (augh. frickin painful) and planking and push ups (I can now do about thirteen in a row if I'm really trying. which is like, a personal best. don't judge).
Tomorrow morning, I'm planning to get up, go for a run, and have eggs for breakfast because ohgod they sound so good. Then we get to go pick up the puppy (well, I say puppy; she's two as of August 8th, but she's tiny so whatever) from camp.
There was a very small dog (no seriously. it was tiny.) on the flight from Phoenix to Seatac, and I let it sniff me on my way past it getting off of the plane, and it dove at my hand. vicious little beast. (you guys I could comfortably hold this thing in one hand. it wanted to rip my throat out.)
So... My trip is over.
Two weeks until school starts.
Whatever shall I do?

Skunks, Fog, and Cinnamon Twists (I wrote this reeaaaally early this morning, but I haven't had internetses til now)


TRAVEL DAY! (Celebration time!)
As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the car (writing in a word processor because lack of wifi) and it’s 8am Eastern time.
I was up at 6am eastern time, AKA 3am Western time. Yeah, feel sorry for me XP
There’s patchy fog, but where there is fog, it’s really heavy. K is making jokes along the lines of, ‘The dementors are breeding.’ It feels like New England (or Aberdeen. Not telling you if I mean WA or Scotland.)
Also skunks. I can’t eat right away in the morning, so we got about half an hour out from the house and I got out the bag with the cinnamon rolls in it and
The smell
Oh god
The smell.
Dead skunk, people. If you have never smelled skunk, then you are so. Freaking. Lucky. I get it every year when I come to Michigan because there are so many skunks. Usually I only get it once though, so… UGH IT WAS AWFUL. Really made me want to eat.
But then I did and the cinnamon rolls that basically my entire family had for breakfast are from this little restaurant in Leland called the Bluebird. Favorite restaurant in the world. They have the best whitefish and perch and it is so good. The cinnamon rolls there come with the breadbasket before the meal, and they’re just like really soft wheat-cinnamon dough and then cinnamon sugar on top. We were there (as we are once a year, unfortunately… but whitefish is only found in Lake Michigan, so there you go. :P) last night and my sister decided that we should have some for breakfast so my grandma talked to Sandy, the hostess (who’s been there since she was fifteen, according to my Opa) and we got nine so I had two for breakfast J
So… we’re driving back down to Midway, which is about a 6.5 hour drive (wheeeee six hours in the car with K wheeeee)  and then we get on a plane and go to Phoenix (no layover. Staying on the plane. Thank god.) and straight on ‘til Seattle. Then, you know, the like two hour long drive home.
Buuut the point is that we will be home.
With Grandma and the cats and my bathroom. Oh, how I have missed my bathroom. Ooh, and my bed. Because, you know, it has a mattress pad on it (ugh I can’t figure that out) and it doesn’t have pot under it (I reaaaally don’t know). And it’s pillow top and super comfy and not evil on my back like the one next to the wall in the small bedroom is. I mean, I love it. But it’s evil.
Going home never felt so good. J