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Sunday, August 5, 2012

I just want to be loved.

Really. I know that a lot of my more recent posts have been 'omg flails' but this one's serious.
Sometimes I feel like I don't matter. Like, I know that I'm surrounded by people who care about me, and I am so, so grateful for that (oops I'm late for Esther day but to all of you reading this: I LOVE YOU! You are all fantastic and brilliant and I'm so, so lucky to have to as my friends :D), but do I make a (positive) difference in their lives?
Do I?
Not to mention that personal things come up sometimes, things that involve hormones and my brain-thing not being rational and I hate it and I don't feel like I'm doing enough.
There are a million songs that I used to be able to relate to fictional characters, and now I listen to them and I'm like, "this could be about me right now. This could be me talking to someone else right now."
And I hate that feeling.
I hate feeling helpless, or like I'm not doing enough.
I hate feeling like I have to hide things from certain people who I thought I trusted.
I hate it I hate it I hate it and I don't really think I can do anything about it.
Which is, in fact, truly unfortunate, because I want to say something or do something but I don't have the courage.
I have a million plausible scenarios planned out in my head and I'll see a moment for them and it'll always pass, I'll always let it pass.
It's a really awful feeling knowing that you could have done something to help yourself but you were too shy.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I feel like that all the time... why are you so eloquent with it? But seriously, re: Esther day, I love you. I mean, I also hate you a lot, but still...