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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

...

What do you do when there's nothing worth doing?
I am trying to rewrite the first part of my freaking novel, that i've been working on for over a year, and the plotlines are twisting and choking and pulling and i want to keep the story the same but it's hard, it's so hard to write that it's hardly meaning anything anymore even though i love this story, i am liam.
i don't want to socialize. i don't want to talk to anyone because the people i would talk to are inconsiderate and not anywhere near understanding even though they think they are because i hide a lot of things,
none of you even suspected until i told you and i only told you the basics and it's so so so much worse than that
i was up until two last night. crying.
crying because no one gets it and i am alone and there is no one like me to talk to.
i don't want to game because it's just pixels, all it is is little dots of light moving in a pattern based on a program, a code that a greyface wrote because it's what they thought they wanted to do and now they're stuck sitting in a dark office all day type-type-typing because they have to pay child support.
i don't want to pretend to be pleasant i don't want to pretend to like any of you i don't want to pretend
i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to i just want to pull up my roots start over and i don't want to do anything because none of it means anything and if it doesnt mean anything than it isnt worth anything and why should i do anything if its not worth anything because after all there is nothing worth anything and maybe some people think there is
but they are just wrong. they dont know the world, they dont look outside and see a grayscale of don't want to do to i would die before doing that
they dont see it as black and white, as bad and worse, and ugly and unbearable, and scalding and deadly, as lifetime sentence and lethal injection, as involuntary manslaughter and first degree murder, as hunger and starvation, as infection and plague
they dont see it at all
they only see what is next for them
and why some people are good and some are bad when there is no difference
people are people and people are all the same
none of them really care they all just pretend for the sake of others
i can see that and i am done pretending.

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