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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Desperately hoping that I'm not the only one.

I have nights when I just want someone to hold me. I know I'm thirteen, soon to be fourteen, and I have no experience, but I want someone to like me for me. I want someone to know my faults and accept them and maybe even like some of them even though I hate them. I'm just lonely and tired and no one is online to talk to. I should go to bed, I know that, considering that it's almost midnight and my sleep schedule is already fucked up because of my meds (which isn't uncommon, 20mg apparently means sleeping fifteen hours a day) so I switched to a lower dosage and this has become a complaint post. That was not what I was planning for it to be. But in any case. I just want someone to be my big spoon and tell me I'm okay just the way I am because I honestly do not and cannot believe that right now. I used to be able to, but right now I feel too big and too awkward and like I can't leave the house without makeup because I look washed out otherwise and I don't want to feel that way but I don't know what I can do to change.
I don't know if I want to change. Domestic abuse victims always want to stay with their abuser because they say they won't do it again and they're in love or whatever, and maybe I'm not trying to change because I think I still can. Which is kind of meta, but I'm a kind of meta person. I'm used to that.
Yeah. I don't know.

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