places to go and people to see

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Loneliness And Best Friends (two of two personal observation posts for tonight)

So I miss school a lot. My friends know this, they notice when I'm not there. Or at least, I like to think that they do.
Now, I'm a very, very social person. I'm not an extrovert, I wouldn't say that, but half the time I just want to be with people. Other times I want to be alone and not deal with anyone and just be able to think. (This may have to do with my mild claustrophobia. Usually when I'm in my friend's treehouse with people other than just her I'm just like OHGOD LET ME BREATHE unless they're being quiet but that isn't the point anyway)
However, I can not go to school and be just fine until about eleven o'clock at night when I get a lump in my throat and my stomach feels so so empty and I want someone to hold me because I have had no direct socialization all day. Every time, I think, maybe omegle will help. Maybe chatous will help. And it never does. It just makes me lonelier because people are perverts and jerks and I cannot even. I lose the ability to even. I always just curl in on myself and I want to cry but I can't, the tears won't come and I can't fall asleep and then once I do I can't wake up, I don't want to wake up.
Also, just for the record, I whenever I don't go one day, go the next, and don't go the third day, it's because I always get asked, why were you gone? why are you gone so often? and some of you know and some of you don't and the ones who know are so sweet about it, but sometimes they forget because everyone forgets and then they ask and then I want to hide because I am ashamed of my illness. I have two different debilitating mental illnesses on top of each other and I don't like talking about them with my friends because I don't want to be different. I don't like it. I really don't. That's why I say them here, because I don't see your faces when you read my posts. I don't know what your immediate reaction is. And that makes me feel better. That's why my best friend didn't know, maybe still doesn't know, that I have this awful anxiety and depression and that I have an iPad as my planner because I have an executive function disorder because I'm really fucking smart and I've been tested, I know it sounds like I'm bragging and I'm always afraid that it will but I'm really fucking smart and I want to be able to say that without being judged for being self-centered which I am but who isn't and that i relate to the characters who want to commit suicide but she can never seem to realize that and that and that i wish we were closer but she's been pushing me further and further and further away and that i know maybe i've been pushing her away too but i want her back and that she's not making me want to be around her the way a best friend should make me want to be around them and that I'm not okay and she needs to ask more often because a lot of the time it seems like she doesn't care. I'm too scared to say this all to her face and we need to talk about it so badly but I can't, I just can't. I'm a fan of ignoring the problem until it goes away, in the words of Stiles Stilinski, who, oh, you know, is the character I relate to most in the world and I want to be batman but Scott won't let me be batman because I'm just the best friend, the human sidekick who isn't worth as much. She thinks she's not Scott, she thinks she's Erica, but no. Erica, oh, Erica believes in Stiles. If I'm Stiles, then she's Scott, ignoring my feelings and keeping me shut out. I have an Erica. I have two Ericas. Three, four. Four that I can think of. I have four Ericas, and none of them are her. She is my Scott. I have a Lydia, too, and a Derek, and they all respect me and listen to me and Scott never listens to Stiles. She is my Scott, and I'm too afraid to make her understand why.

No comments:

Post a Comment