i am so tired of being sad.
i want it to be over, but i don't want to have to wait. i don't know how i've gotten to the point where i'm writing notes to sami and rachel and hope and adam but i've gotten there and i don't want to be here
i want to be out of here now.
people say that it gets better but that isn't good enough.
I hate the place i'm in. right now my favorite color is green because green represents life, but the color i say represents me the most is dark, dark red because red is the color of blood and black is the color of mourning, of sadness.
i'm tired of being surrounded by the same brown walls and the same posters and the same laptop and the same people day after day. i want to leave my life behind and live on another planet, start over and maybe be less fucked up than i am now.
i don't wanna be sad and miserable and thinking about the what i'm going to leave behind. because honestly, what would i leave behind? a shitty attendance record and miles of bills for my parents?
i feel so selfish for wanting this. my parents would have to deal with it and i don't even know what my friends would do but i just don't want to be here. i don't want to imagine it, but i can't avoid it and as much as it scares me, it doesn't scare me nearly as much as how much i've been alienating myself in the past weeks.
i broke off my entire friendship with adam because i can't be around him without it getting worse.
maybe that's good and maybe it's bad but i know it's something and it's not making me feel any better because i hate myself for not letting myself be around him because i think it's what's best. and i could be wrong, maybe it's not good for me.
the important thing about that though is that right now i hate myself.
i have before and i do right now and it has never been this bad. i just want to end it all and leave nothing behind, give no reasons even though i would feel like i had to.
i don't want to feel this way ever again.