places to go and people to see

Friday, December 28, 2012

Bucket List

Before I die, I want to...
  1. Be in love with two people at the same time
  2. Smile because I'm actually happy
  3. Make cake pops for an event with more than 50 people
  4. Make cupcakes for an event with more than 300 people
  5. Learn how to make mousse
  6. Sail all the way across Lake Michigan (W-E)
  7. Live in London for six months
  8. Live in Italy or France for three months
  9. Have a fairy-tale wedding with a dress picked with the assistance of Randy Fenoli
  10. Be on live television
  11. Get the lead in a community theater production
  12. Consistently go to dance classes for at least two months
  13. Get a pixie cut
  14. Make a quilt
  15. Learn how to move on
  16. Forgive people
  17. Sell a large quantity of something I've made
  18. Knit a hat
  19. Write a love letter in calligraphy on fancy paper
  20. Tuck a 'do you like me' note into someone's book, bag, locker, etc.
  21. Sing a solo in public
  22. Take ukulele lessons
  23. Collect over 150 keychains
  24. Visit Japan
  25. Be the first person someone comes out to
  26. Go to a church of each of the top five religions in the US
  27. Smile more
  28. Go to college
  29. Take at least one women's studies and one feminist literature course
  30. Meet Felicia Day and Wil Wheaton
  31. Visit Gene Roddenberry's grave
  32. Meet Stan Lee
  33. Play strip poker (or another card game)
  34. Meet the cast of The Avengers
  35. Sing with any of my musical idols
  36. See Fun. in concert
  37. Get closer to my dad's half-siblings
  38. Always have dogs
  39. Own a bird as a pet
  40. Improve my handwriting
  41. Use more glitter
  42. Drink more water
  43. Drink less coffee
  44. Read more classic British literature
  45. Sew a dance costume
  46. Have good credit ratings!
  47. Own my own house
  48. Live in the same apartment for more than a year
  49. Get asked to Prom
  50. Stay in touch with friends from middle/high school
  51. Have an amazing wardrobe
  52. Get a novel published
  53. Participate in NaNoWriMo
  54. Meet CP Coulter and George/Phan/Adrienne/Jeremy/Joey
  55. Have a tumblr meetup
  56. Win a soccer game
  57. Paint my room by myself
  58. Coordinate the decor in an entire house
  59. Wear a cute hat or scarf every day for a week
  60. Get my ears pierced
  61. Chat with Cassandra Clare, John Green, Lauren Myracle, JKR, or David Levithan about writing for a teenage audience
  62. Sew my own party dress
  63. Collect Disney action figures
  64. Go to at least three different operas in one year
  65. Photograph a ballet or dance competition
  66. Learn how to use a DSLR camera
  67. Work in Urban Outfitters or Anthropologie
  68. Live in Northern California or San Francisco
  69. Climb a mountain
  70. Go camping with friends
  71. Take a romantic walk on the beach
  72. Go skinny dipping
  73. Get a yearbook signed by someone I've always been afraid to approach
  74. Kiss someone in the rain
  75. Discuss Chris Argent with Jeff David and/or JR Bourne
  76. Visit the MoMA, the Louvre, and the Musee d'Orsay
  77. Visit my cousins in the Netherlands
  78. Visit the site of my ancestors' plantation in Texas
  79. Ride a horse on the beach
  80. Visit Hawaii
  81. Gossip less
  82. Wear less makeup
  83. Perm my hair
  84. Go to a LeakyCon, VidCon, and ComicCon
  85. Go on a road trip before college
  86. Make a duct tape wallet
  87. Write a diary entry every day for a week
  88. Have sex in the back of a car
  89. Ride in a limousine with a hot tub in it
  90. Go to Las Vegas
  91. Count every book I read for a year
  92. Learn how to deal with people I don't want to talk to
  93. Handle my anxiety
  94. Stop keysmashing so much
  95. Go scuba diving
  96. Live past ninety
  97. Join a writing group
  98. Start a book club
  99. Get better at chess
  100. Learn to trust everything I have and love with all my heart

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

...

What do you do when there's nothing worth doing?
I am trying to rewrite the first part of my freaking novel, that i've been working on for over a year, and the plotlines are twisting and choking and pulling and i want to keep the story the same but it's hard, it's so hard to write that it's hardly meaning anything anymore even though i love this story, i am liam.
i don't want to socialize. i don't want to talk to anyone because the people i would talk to are inconsiderate and not anywhere near understanding even though they think they are because i hide a lot of things,
none of you even suspected until i told you and i only told you the basics and it's so so so much worse than that
i was up until two last night. crying.
crying because no one gets it and i am alone and there is no one like me to talk to.
i don't want to game because it's just pixels, all it is is little dots of light moving in a pattern based on a program, a code that a greyface wrote because it's what they thought they wanted to do and now they're stuck sitting in a dark office all day type-type-typing because they have to pay child support.
i don't want to pretend to be pleasant i don't want to pretend to like any of you i don't want to pretend
i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to i just want to pull up my roots start over and i don't want to do anything because none of it means anything and if it doesnt mean anything than it isnt worth anything and why should i do anything if its not worth anything because after all there is nothing worth anything and maybe some people think there is
but they are just wrong. they dont know the world, they dont look outside and see a grayscale of don't want to do to i would die before doing that
they dont see it as black and white, as bad and worse, and ugly and unbearable, and scalding and deadly, as lifetime sentence and lethal injection, as involuntary manslaughter and first degree murder, as hunger and starvation, as infection and plague
they dont see it at all
they only see what is next for them
and why some people are good and some are bad when there is no difference
people are people and people are all the same
none of them really care they all just pretend for the sake of others
i can see that and i am done pretending.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

SNOWMEN

Merry christmas from dr. who.
Three minutes in and I'm already scared out of my fucking mind
THE SNOW IS TALKING OMG.
I SAID ID FEED YOU. I DIDN'T SAY WHO TO.
Claraaaaaaaaaa. You adorable little thing.
Doctor? Doctor Who? OMG
ice remembers too.
NOPE. SIMIAN GO AWAY.
The veiled detective.
N'awwwww. Hon you're so cute!
WINTER IS COMING.
Perhaps I can't, but I know a man who can.
OMGOMGOMG that's a sontaran. A GRENAAAADE.
Automated laser monkeys.
Yesyesyesyesyes
Ohhhh strax. Psychotic potato dwarf.
He's so miserable.
Two genders is a bit further than he can count. Typical middle child of six million.
What's wrong with dangerous?
(FYI this entire post is going to be witticisms from the dr who xmas special so you may just want to back out now also spoilers ahead so yep)
Memory snow. Telepathic fields. OOD.
Also they're married. LOL DR SIMIAN HAHAHA HOMOPHOBIA. NO IMPLICATIONS. THEY'RE MARRIED. TIME TRAVELERSSSSS. Also aliens. But duh because LIZARD WOMAN FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME.
Awwww. Clara. You're so cute. I love you. Basically. You have a sort of a shield. Yes it's invisible because he's the doctor and he does what he wants. Aw yis.
Walk in the clouds, Clara. Walk in the freaking clouds. HIDE AND SEEK AROUND THE TARDIS YISS.
clompityclompityclomp.
Hmmm. This isss interesting. Interesting indeed. Why is she a governess?
She is pretty, honey. THAT'S THE YOUNG LILY EVANS OMGOMGOMG.
MM YES GOOD.
Do not attempt to escape, or you will be exterminated. May I take your coat?
One word answers. Kindness. He is not kind.
POND. I AM CRYING OGOHD WHYYYYYYY
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
DEAR STEVEN MOFFAT
FUCK YOU TO HIGH HEAVENS YOU'RE AN AWFUL PERSON AND NO ONE LOVES YOU GODDAMNITTTTTTRTTTTT
THE CREYS
THE ETERNAL. GODDAMN. CREYS.
OH,YGOD IIFMSKDKAKSODEDDMCMDKDKDK
OALALS,SKFJGJFIEOWMCNXM HE'S SHERLOCK HOMMES JCKDOSLSKDJC
TAKES ONE TO SNOW ON O,GOMGOMGOMG
JIAKDJFJVJVKSLAOEIEKALCMCJFOVKVM M JDOLA, L I AM DYIMG
THE DOCTOR
IS COSPLAYING
AS
SHERLOCK HOLMES
AND THE INTELLIGENT SNOW
IS
MORIARTY.
He's investigating.
Omg MOFFAT. Don't be clever, strax. It doesn't suit you. I'm the clever one, you're the potato.
IT'S COOLER. BOW TIES ARE COOL. DOCTORRRRRR.
HIS INLAWS ARE DEAD AND HE'S SAD.
This dwelling is under attack, human scum.
(Cracks neck) stay here.
YOU KISSED ME! You blushed.
My eyes are always front. Mine aren't...
Clara, you flirt. Oh honey you gave her a key on her first time in the TARDIS. OMG.
CLARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Nope

Nope

Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nopenopenope.
Shoot me. I hate Steven Moffat, really. You can't just... Who is she, anyway?
Well okay but strax do YOU understand?
Because he doesn't know who else to blame.
What does GI stand for anyway? Grr....
ICE ZOMBIE WHOOPS. OOOOOH IT ACTUALLY IS MORIARTY. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY VILLAINS. WINTER IS COMING, JON SNOW.
It's not rain, it's crying. Asmcmvkslcghdkslc. Claraaaa. Clara no. I like you. For now. You're a cutie. You're e cutest of all of the cutiepatooties.
Great intelligence?
OMGOMGOMG. Soufflé girl.
SHE DIED TWIIIICE. THE IMPOSSIBLE GIRL. WHAT IN THE WORLD.
HE IS A BORGGGGGG.
IM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW COMPANION OMG CYBERMENNNNN. YEP.

merry christmas.

I got presents and stuff. I was the child who typed her list so that her parents could actually read it.
I'm especially excited about the 12x12 eyeshadow palette. And I got The Host and Beautiful Creatures.
And I feel so lucky and I'm so pleased with what I got.
But it's still Christmas Day, one of the days when all everyone thinks about is happiness.
It's Christmas Day, and all I want to do is cry.

Monday, December 17, 2012

So I said I would post play stuff...

AND GUESS WHAT I GOT CAST TODAY
I GET TO BE EVA
Well, Dara. Possibly Tikvah or Etana or Agata or Nadia. It depends on what name I decide on because Sami's role is Eva. But I get the CHARACTER. Or at least, the mother hen/big sister/protective older child part of it. And the monologue I wanted so badly. So yes.
I'm in a group with Rachel, Shelvey, Sami and a sixth grader - Naomi - who is amazing(: I'm super excited about this.
Also I have to memorize like thirty lines of Shakespeare tonight because we're having a bonfire tomorrow in English. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

one last depressing post, i suppose.

i am so tired of being sad.
i want it to be over, but i don't want to have to wait. i don't know how i've gotten to the point where i'm writing notes to sami and rachel and hope and adam but i've gotten there and i don't want to be here
i want to be out of here now.
people say that it gets better but that isn't good enough.
I hate the place i'm in. right now my favorite color is green because green represents life, but the color i say represents me the most is dark, dark red because red is the color of blood and black is the color of mourning, of sadness.
i'm tired of being surrounded by the same brown walls and the same posters and the same laptop and the same people day after day. i want to leave my life behind and live on another planet, start over and maybe be less fucked up than i am now.
i don't wanna be sad and miserable and thinking about the what i'm going to leave behind. because honestly, what would i leave behind? a shitty attendance record and miles of bills for my parents?
i feel so selfish for wanting this. my parents would have to deal with it and i don't even know what my friends would do but i just don't want to be here. i don't want to imagine it, but i can't avoid it and as much as it scares me, it doesn't scare me nearly as much as how much i've been alienating myself in the past weeks.
i broke off my entire friendship with adam because i can't be around him without it getting worse.
maybe that's good and maybe it's bad but i know it's something and it's not making me feel any better because i hate myself for not letting myself be around him because i think it's what's best. and i could be wrong, maybe it's not good for me.
the important thing about that though is that right now i hate myself.
i have before and i do right now and it has never been this bad. i just want to end it all and leave nothing behind, give no reasons even though i would feel like i had to.
i don't want to feel this way ever again.

I'm sorry. (Also an unexpected rant on religion.)

I feel like this blog has recently become less of 'let me tell you about my life!1!!!!1!!' and more of a 'I AM GOING TO DUMP MY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE ON ANYONE WHO READS THIS HAHAHAHAHAHA fuck my life' and I am really, really sorry. I don't like seeing the people I care about sad, and I know that I've been a) depressing and b) depressed recently, so I'm really sorry. I might not be posting much, and I know I haven't been anyway, but I'll probably be posting even less because I don't see things looking up too much until late January. I'm not going to post about the holidays, because as much as I love them, I also get really mad when people are just like 'it's december! CHRISTMAS RELIGION PAGANS TREES SANTA COOKIES THE ANGEL GABRIEL VIRGINS OMGOMGOMG!!!1!!1!!!!!'
Which, okay, my family celebrates Christmas. I love Christmas. But THERE ARE OTHER WINTER HOLIDAYS TOO. There's Hanukkah, which many people respect, but people also celebrate Kwanzaa and Ramadan and the Solstice so... Shut up about your Mass celebrating Christ (*coughs* WHO WAS BORN IN SPRING BY THE WAY THE CELEBRATION WAS ONLY MOVED TO DECEMBER BECAUSE THE CATHOLICS WERE TRYING TO CONVERT PAGANS SO THEY MOVED IT NEAR THE SOLSTICE (ALSO WHY DID EVERYONE HATE THE PAGANS. THEY WERE COOL) *coughs*) because (this may come as a shock to some people who are assholes) NOT EVERYONE CARES!
And that's basically my views on all religion, BTW. as long as you're respectful to all other religions (including  wicca and pagan stuff and the worship of animals/ancestors/etc and atheism/agnosticism) and you don't go parading around yours  but you're okay talking about it THEN WE CAN PROBABLY BE FRIENDS.
If you're devout, that's great too. but if you're like someone i was talking to on a rpg chat once who was like 'OBAMAS (more like osama omgomg lol haha im jkjkjk) NOT CHRISTIN LIKE ME BCUZ HES FOR SINFUL STUFF!!!1!1!!! AND GAY MARRIAGE!!1!!!1!! AND HE KILS BABYS BCUZ HE SUPPORTS ABORTION!!!1!!!1!!!' then I WILL JUDGE THE EVERLOVINGMOTHEROFFUCK OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I WILL BASICALLY NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE YOU SAY BECAUSE I WILL AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT YOU ARE A TOTAL ASSHOLE AND I WILL PROBABLY BE CORRECT.
I am really sorry for my rant on politics/religion there.
In any case. I probably won't be posting until around my birthday because I'm getting my ears pierced (FINALLY) and the play will be in full swing.
ALTHOUGH
i will be posting about the play.
it will be sporadic, but yes.
the school play this year is called And a Child Shall Lead and it's about these eight kids who are in Terezin, a ghetto in Czechoslovakia in 1942. I REALLY want the role of Eva and I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE CASTING IS GONNA BE BECAUSE IT'S ME VS MY FRIEND STORY FOR THE ROLE BASICALLY AND I
I will die if I don't get Eva. really.
So yes I will be posting cast updates and such and rehearsal so yes. :3

Living Contradiction


The pressure of my headphones on my head is strangely soothing.
I know I should loosen them, that they are too tight
But that same pressure is a constant
Unlike everything else.
You say you feel the way about him
And I say I don’t want to hear about it.
I don’t, I really don’t.
I tell you I love you, and you tell me about someone else.
You don’t text me back
And you leave me wondering
Is this really so broken?
Are we really so far apart, when we used to be inseparable?
We’re just a couple of teenagers
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am good at pretending
I am a better actor than you
Because I act like I can forget my issues
With love and life and depression and school and family
Because I have shit that I still haven’t worked through
And I don’t know if I will.
Less than a year, there have been 1.6 mass murders per week
If you average them, of course.
And that makes me think, I am done with the world
If I have to live in a place where people are killing other people
Innocent children and their own parents
Then maybe, though it pains you to hear it,
Maybe I don’t want to live here anymore.
I want to be skinny and beautiful
But I want to be loved for my smarts and my humor.
I sometimes want to commit suicide
But I think that people who do are selfish.
I don’t want to be depressed or anxious
But I won’t take my meds.
I want my love to love me too
But I want to be as far away from him as possible.
I am a living contradiction.
Is that why things are so hard?
(Also posted on sometimesrosewrites)

Friday, December 7, 2012

It's No Surprise to See You Here with Lydia

Fur Patrol. Lydia. Yeah.
I'm spending a day with her real-world counterpart tomorrow and I know I want to do this, but I also know that I'm going to be around my future potential teachers and my parents and my sister and her friends and that's scary.
That's really scary.
I think I'll live.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Loneliness And Best Friends (two of two personal observation posts for tonight)

So I miss school a lot. My friends know this, they notice when I'm not there. Or at least, I like to think that they do.
Now, I'm a very, very social person. I'm not an extrovert, I wouldn't say that, but half the time I just want to be with people. Other times I want to be alone and not deal with anyone and just be able to think. (This may have to do with my mild claustrophobia. Usually when I'm in my friend's treehouse with people other than just her I'm just like OHGOD LET ME BREATHE unless they're being quiet but that isn't the point anyway)
However, I can not go to school and be just fine until about eleven o'clock at night when I get a lump in my throat and my stomach feels so so empty and I want someone to hold me because I have had no direct socialization all day. Every time, I think, maybe omegle will help. Maybe chatous will help. And it never does. It just makes me lonelier because people are perverts and jerks and I cannot even. I lose the ability to even. I always just curl in on myself and I want to cry but I can't, the tears won't come and I can't fall asleep and then once I do I can't wake up, I don't want to wake up.
Also, just for the record, I whenever I don't go one day, go the next, and don't go the third day, it's because I always get asked, why were you gone? why are you gone so often? and some of you know and some of you don't and the ones who know are so sweet about it, but sometimes they forget because everyone forgets and then they ask and then I want to hide because I am ashamed of my illness. I have two different debilitating mental illnesses on top of each other and I don't like talking about them with my friends because I don't want to be different. I don't like it. I really don't. That's why I say them here, because I don't see your faces when you read my posts. I don't know what your immediate reaction is. And that makes me feel better. That's why my best friend didn't know, maybe still doesn't know, that I have this awful anxiety and depression and that I have an iPad as my planner because I have an executive function disorder because I'm really fucking smart and I've been tested, I know it sounds like I'm bragging and I'm always afraid that it will but I'm really fucking smart and I want to be able to say that without being judged for being self-centered which I am but who isn't and that i relate to the characters who want to commit suicide but she can never seem to realize that and that and that i wish we were closer but she's been pushing me further and further and further away and that i know maybe i've been pushing her away too but i want her back and that she's not making me want to be around her the way a best friend should make me want to be around them and that I'm not okay and she needs to ask more often because a lot of the time it seems like she doesn't care. I'm too scared to say this all to her face and we need to talk about it so badly but I can't, I just can't. I'm a fan of ignoring the problem until it goes away, in the words of Stiles Stilinski, who, oh, you know, is the character I relate to most in the world and I want to be batman but Scott won't let me be batman because I'm just the best friend, the human sidekick who isn't worth as much. She thinks she's not Scott, she thinks she's Erica, but no. Erica, oh, Erica believes in Stiles. If I'm Stiles, then she's Scott, ignoring my feelings and keeping me shut out. I have an Erica. I have two Ericas. Three, four. Four that I can think of. I have four Ericas, and none of them are her. She is my Scott. I have a Lydia, too, and a Derek, and they all respect me and listen to me and Scott never listens to Stiles. She is my Scott, and I'm too afraid to make her understand why.

Drama (there is nothing good about it)

(reposting because the formatting was kinda fucked up on the last one, but now I know how to fix it)
I don't want more drama. Right now, there's someone I like, and I want to tell him, but I know what happened last time I did that and it was the worst.
There's boys and there's girls and people say we're like different species but really, we all think the same way at our age. When can I possibly get homework done when I have so many friendships and enemies to maintain? and he's dating her but she likes him but he likes her and then there's her and him and they like each other but neither of them knows and how can I fix this with you, I know I screwed up and I'm sorry and what can I do to get his/her attention?
And I am tired of this. My grade has thirty-eight students. Think about that. At any public school, there'll be at least three times that in one grade. We're lucky that we only have this many peers to deal with, but unlucky that we all know each other so well that when a couple breaks up, we all have to take sides.
What if someone can't decide? It shouldn't be an issue, and I don't want it to be.
And yet. It happens, and it happens, and it will continue to happen until we all have our heads out of our asses instead of just a select few of us.

Numbers (One of two personal observation posts for tonight)

So I like numbers. They're (relatively) straightforward. In general, I really like math. Like, graphing? I love graphing. Multi-variable equations are like my best friends. But there are some numbers that I really, really don't like. Two is good, three is good, but I hate four and five. Same with one. It annoys me. I feel like there are personalities for numbers, at least ones that I have, and four is snobbish about being the smallest perfect square. Five is a pretentious asshole, for no particular reason. Six is rude and will never stop talking. I like seven and eight - eight is good. Eight is particularly kind. Most cubes are. Nine is alright, but it's only just tolerable. Like, it's been mean in the past and I'm walking on eggshells around it. And then there's zero. Zero is my absolute favorite number. If it's alone, it means nothing, and it doesn't have an opposite. I feel almost like it's a representation of myself - it is nothing, but it's incredibly important, and it's unique. When it is in between numbers, it is separating things and telling you how many. When it's on the end, it means that the number is a multiple of two and five. It's even, no matter what. It's a multiple of ten, no matter what. I also really like ten. It's simple to me.
But my favorite number is by far twenty-seven. I don't know why. I think it's because - well, it's a cube, it's three cubed, and two and seven are my third and second favorite digits, respectively. I watched a video on favorite numbers recently, and no one really knows why people are drawn to specific numbers. But for one of the vloggers interviewed, he said numbers have a sharpness. the two sharpest in zero to nine for him were three and seven, and that twenty-one was his favorite number because of that.
But yes. I like zero and two and seven and I don't really like any of the other digits that much. And twenty-seven speaks to me.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Dreams

I've never remembered my dreams. When I was little, my mom would ask me about them and i would make things up. More recently, though, I remember snippets of them, and most of my dreams don't run like the ones I've heard about from my friends. They run like stories. Example: I'm at the dojo where my group trains, which is inside of a complex with a common area, a performance area, living spaces, a mess hall, a shrine to the deities we worship (the Greek gods, I believe), and I'm sparring. I know that I have a special role here. I'm a chosen fighter and trainee or something. 'The chosen one' type of person who many look up to, thought also know that I'm relatively new to the environment. My sparring partner is Sami, and I beat her easily. We head back to our dorm together, and I have a message waiting for me saying that I am supposed to be the chosen one for a group who are my enemies - those who worship the Roman gods instead of the Greek. I have to go out of the compound to meet the people from the Roman camp, and I do, and when I get to the coffee shop we're meeting at, I realize that I know one of the boys who is with the Romans - and I have a crush on him. I have for years. (This is, in fact, a specific person, but I won't say who. It's not A.) I get my coffee and then I approach the Romans. They welcome me, but are very wary of my two companions... Who are Sami and Alina. They give me their reasoning for why I should join them, and I tell them I'll think about it. As we're leaving, I pull the one boy to the side and tell him how I feel. He pushes me away, goes back to his companions, and they leave without a backward glance. When I get back to my dorm, another message has arrived, saying that they take back their request and that they will be waging war on our compound. Sami and I run. We go to a Greek safe house, and are welcomed by the people there, although it is a bit crowded, and when I tell them my story, they are afraid of me because they seem to think I'll turn on them. When I explain what happened, though, they accept me and I get to know them better.
Yeah. I don't know what my subconscious is doing a lot of the time, but my point is, I don't remember a lot of my dreams. And when I do, they follow a more sensual, chronological storyline than many of the ones I've heard about.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I think I just realized how ridiculously creepy some of the things I like are.

Example: the ship Jogan from Dalton.
Julian and Logan, in most of the fanfic written about them, regularly verbally harass each other. Which, I mean, I do that to my friends, and they do that to me. But usually when I see that, my reaction is 'aww. they love each other'. Maybe that's because in this scenario, yes, they're together! that's great! that's what I desperately want because I know that they would be good for each other! but at the same time, verbal abuse is just as bad (or possibly worse) than physical abuse. I think this because it's harder for people talk about it and notice it because it isn't visible.
So yeah. I recognize that it's creepy. I apologize to all of you who have been thinking that all along.
Doesn't mean I'm gonna stop.

Desperately hoping that I'm not the only one.

I have nights when I just want someone to hold me. I know I'm thirteen, soon to be fourteen, and I have no experience, but I want someone to like me for me. I want someone to know my faults and accept them and maybe even like some of them even though I hate them. I'm just lonely and tired and no one is online to talk to. I should go to bed, I know that, considering that it's almost midnight and my sleep schedule is already fucked up because of my meds (which isn't uncommon, 20mg apparently means sleeping fifteen hours a day) so I switched to a lower dosage and this has become a complaint post. That was not what I was planning for it to be. But in any case. I just want someone to be my big spoon and tell me I'm okay just the way I am because I honestly do not and cannot believe that right now. I used to be able to, but right now I feel too big and too awkward and like I can't leave the house without makeup because I look washed out otherwise and I don't want to feel that way but I don't know what I can do to change.
I don't know if I want to change. Domestic abuse victims always want to stay with their abuser because they say they won't do it again and they're in love or whatever, and maybe I'm not trying to change because I think I still can. Which is kind of meta, but I'm a kind of meta person. I'm used to that.
Yeah. I don't know.