places to go and people to see

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Finds: Egypt, 1944

i am so very very happy about this find. the back says 'Bill Sullivan/Far left/Egypt/approximately 1944' if you can't read it. 1944. and it was only six dollars! usually I can't find treasures like this for that cheap. also, I normally dot find them in places like value village - more like flea markets and estate sales. but look! it's the Sphinx and the Great Pyramids and a bunch of American military dudes DURING WORLD WAR II. 
ugh I'm so happy about this. 😍😍😍

Sunday, September 22, 2013

//stereotypical teenage 'i hate school' angst// //except for that it isn't//

my entire mood just drops when I hear the phone start ringing. it always drops further when it's someone i know, or one of my parents, because then i don't have a reason to ignore it.
if i were feeling really introspective, i would probably mention why i hate answering phones so much, but right now, i don't care enough to look for an answer. i just want it to stop raining. also, a fresh fic rec list might be nice. or itunes money for the endless number of songs i want to buy.
today has been a completely shitty day, and i can't even place why it's been so bad. the rain definitely had something to do with it, as do the creaky muscles from walking for nearly an hour in men's dress shoes yesterday, but one of those is external and the other is physical. there's something going on in my head and i don't even know what.
i do know that i don't want to go to school tomorrow. more than anything, i don't want to get up and go and spend my day walking through hallways crowded with people or sitting in classes (drama health and science) i don't care about. I have a 504, but whatever. that doesn't get me out of taking six classes a day or taking pe and i don't even get to choose my own lunch period, so i'm stuck with having lunch before i ever get hungry.
i mostly just want to go back to my first year of middle school, to be honest. nova felt perfect that year, and i haven't had a school experience like that since then. i want to go somewhere where i'm anonymous but the community is small, and the classes are challenging but not so hard i have multiple anxiety attacks about it.
a couple of years ago i thought and thought and thought about what i wanted in a school and came to the conclusion that what i wanted didn't exist.
then i found the high school i started this year at and thought my prayers were answered. then i met the counselor there and came home and cried.
i started anyway and it was okay for one day, and then on the second day i came home and had an anxiety attack, and then when i finally came down, i had about an hour of downtime before i had another one.
so obviously that school didn't work and now i'm really disenchanted by education again. i had a conversation with my mom yesterday about school, and she mentioned that she thought i did want to go back to school and
that's not accurate.
i want to learn. i really, really, really don't want to go to school.
if i thought i could get reliable socialization, i would just homeschool and get my GED instead of going to high school.
but I don't think that would work.
what i really want, like, my ideal situation, is just having textbooks and online resources and having someone help me design my own courses, and then have tutors who could answer questions and offer advice on projects, but that isn't going to happen because we can't afford private tutors or two dozen textbooks.
so at this point, i mostly just don't want to go to school.
i want to skip the high school part and go straight to being in college or at least on my own and not having things expected of me.
but no, one day of high school isn't enough for me to make these decisions off of. i have to go for a couple more days at least. even if i'm suffering through it, even if i'm suffering at the thought of it.
this is gonna be a hard year.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

musings on high school

so i started high school yesterday. woo-hoo, good for me for making it this far, wow i'm a freshman, whatever you want to say. i was terrified, it went fine, i've already made a couple friends, but you know what else?
i'm actually more stressed than i ever was in middle school.
so I'm going to my in-district alternative school, and i was so so so excited about being in the environment, but the thing is, for the first three weeks of school, all new students have to go through orientation. it's a bunch of assignments and going over the rules just to make sure that this school is a good fit for each student.
and they give us all of the assignments in the first three days.
of course, the due dates are RELATIVELY spread out, but it is still only three weeks, and with four papers, reading an entire novel, and an art project that's going to require a lot of work, it is actually more work than i ever had at my rigorous, college-prep oriented middle school.
I had anxiety attacks almost every other week in middle school, but i was never this terrified of failure. it seems like a legitimate possibility that I will not make it through orientation and will be referred back to my home high school, the traditional public school a couple of blocks from my house.
and actually, the idea of eighty percent of my work being 'busy work' is really, really appealing right now. all of the assignments from orientation are designed to both be time-consuming and challenging, but i know that if i were at my home high school, the work would be time consuming or challenging. and as much as i prefer the structure of the alternative school, being able to get through classes with good grades and without trying too hard sounds fantastic.
not to mention that i have been incredibly sheltered by the schools i chose to go to, and while i'm still being sheltered in some ways at the alternative school, i still had someone ask my what my preferred pronouns were. i have never had someone ask me that before. i completely understand and support asking, because it's considerate and will make most people feel more at ease, but it was an entirely new experience. 
and besides things like that, god, i didn't know anyone in my orientation when we started, so now i'm hanging out with two, sometimes three other people, and it's still that phase of friendship where everything is exposition. i don't know any of their living situations, or who their families are. i know that two of them had really bad bullying problems, and for me, that's just intense culture shock, because i've always gone to schools that were a lot like this one - focused on community values. bullying was not tolerated. my schools wouldn't hesitate for long to eject students or seek intervention if they were having behavioral problems.
not to mention, most of the bullying was verbal. in middle school, everyone was smart. our insults were clever and personal. they hit hardest in the places it would hurt. But the worst of it was, the teachers often overlooked it as bickering or people overreacting.
ugh. i don't know if i'm even trying to make a point here. i'm just stressed out of my mind and i haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack yet, but i've been well on my way to one twice today. (neither time was at school. bless) so. any words of advice with dealing with a situation that's harder than anything i've ever tried to do before? do you think i'll even make it to the end of the month? 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

50 Things To Do When Your Sibling Has Friends Over

1. Do those chores you've been meaning to do. 
2. Wrangle your pets so they aren't bothering them. 
3. Catch up on shitty cop procedurals on Netflix. 
4. Watch a feel-good movie. 
5. Read something you've wanted read to for a while. 
6. Shop online. 
7. Bake cookies/brownies/triple chocolate layer cake. If you like the friends, offer them some. 
8. Play music and do a deep-clean of your room. 
9. Sit quietly in another part of the house and reevaluate all of your life choices. Ever.
10. Learn how to fold origami. 
11. Weed out your wardrobe. Donate things to thrift stores. 
12. Go for a walk. Enjoy your alone time. 
13. Meditate. Loudly. Lots of ohmmms and relaxing music. 
14. Choreograph hip-hop routines in the room directly above them.
15. Pretend you're a secret agent. Get a tape recorder and hide behind the couch. 
16. Put on a costume, then join their conversation. 
17. Hack into online databases. (Don't actually do this one; it's illegal. Depending on the database, it's VERY illegal.)
18. Write an angry letter and burn it. Then, burn the ashes. 
19. Write an essay about something you love and submit it to a magazine. 
20. Write to the editor of your local paper. 
21. Write to your senator. 
22. Hell, you could write to the president. 
23. Read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. 
24. Or the Oxford English Dictionary. 
25. Learn what words like 'fiduciary' mean. 
26. Make up a story about a past life: were you a flapper in the roaring twenties? A flower child in the seventies?
27. Read and memorize old poems. 
28. Make a bucket list. 
29. Make a list of all the places you've been. 
30. Then make one of all the places you want to go. 
31. Browse Wikipedia. 
32. Or creepypasta, if you're into that. 
33. Make a five course meal. 
34. Research deep-sea ocean life. 
35. Or why some people have allergic reactions. 
36. Sew a dress. 
37. Or repurpose a pair of jeans into a purse. 
38. Plant a garden. 
39. Learn about your favorite author's early life.
40. Learn about a war you don't know much about. 
41. Try to understand a mathematic theory or conjecture. 
42. Call a friend. 
43. Think up names for your potential future children. 
44. Write an ode to a celebrity. 
45. Write a dramatic eulogy for yourself. 
46. Play chess with yourself. 
47. Read about natural toxins. 
48. Read about brain chemistry. 
49. Find out what your headache is a symptom of on webmd. 
50. Write the great American novel. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

🎶🎶I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words, how wonderful life is, now you're in the world🎶🎶

Friday, July 26, 2013


there's a boy I really really like and I don't know if he likes me back but he just got out of a relationship and I don't want to mess up ours but I also really do because I kinda think he likes me back a little bit but I thought that with the last boy and I haven't discussed this with anyone and I don't want to but I also really really do I just don't know who to talk about it to because he's the person I would normally talk to about stuff like this and vice versa and I think he knows I like him and we've talked about it a couple times before and once he said he liked me, the next time, which was MONTHS later, he said he had very recently but at the time he was dating someone and ughhhhh
relationships are really hard and this one used to be really super easy and it might still be for him but I don't know anymore? like we hung out last weekend and we haven't talked since but it didn't  feel that weird when we talked tonight at a thing and I think that's just how we are and I wanted on a more intense level I guess? like I want our friendship only with being allowed to want to hang out without plans or hold his hand or kiss him. is that normal? probably not. do I care? hahaha nope. like, I think I mentioned in a poem on sometimesrosewrites that I want painful domesticity and while I know that's not possible because I'm fourteen and stuff, I feel like thats the next best thing and GOD do I want it.
and I mean I feel like even if it happened and then we ended badly it could be hella worse because at least we aren't going to the same school next year? like? I wouldn't have to seem him every day or even every other day or even at all if I didn't want to. and I'm gonna be able to find a new group of friends probably and knowing him so will he and they'll probably be very separate groups, so it won't matter anyway? I mean he's one of the people that, right now, I think I'll stay in touch with, but that might not be true anyway.
that is all.
I bid you all adieu, then. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

four am

my room smells the way it does in the kitchen after someone's made applesauce, when the air is cool again but the wood and cloth and metal have taken on the tang of apple. 
there's a cat wreaking havoc in the hall. I made her leave my room when she started trying to eat the plastic bags on the chair next to my desk. now it sounds like she's bouncing a ball.
my window is closed and my fan is turned off, and I have a blanket in my bed, but it's been cloudy, and I'm cold. it feels like the temperatural equivalent of the sound glass beads make when you shake their container. 
my thoughts are a floral pattern, a Victorian romance, the text of Les Misérables. they're dark and artistic. slang and colloquialisms are below me, and everything has a slight upperclass accent to it, Bostonian or Parisian.
everything is silent, like being just under the surface of bath water. my breathing is in audible, and the absence of sound hangs heavy. there will be birds soon, but the sun isn't even peeking over the horizon, yet, and for now they sleep on. 
I have lights on in my room, but I know that if I were to turn them off, the corners would turn to vashta nerada and my shades would block any light from the streetlight, the reflections from the lake, the rising sun. it's dark and peaceful and beautiful. 
good morning, world. 

Monday, July 8, 2013


So I'm sort of back on a normal sleep schedule, yay! it's a bit weird, i've gotta admit. Like. I had been sleeping all day, but then I started going to sleep at noon, instead, and then it was at three, and then at five, and then at seven, and then at ten. and i woke up at six yesterday and at almost seven today and i'm weirdly exhausted but I think sleeping from 9-10ish to 6-8ish is gonna work. probably gonna stick. and that's a good thing!
On the other hand, though, I kind of feel stuck between being warm and cold this morning, even though i put on full-length pants, and i keep yawning and coffee sounds delicious but I'm not supposed to have caffeine because i'll be up all night but i might be anyway because of teen wolf, so....?
I just kind want to nap.
And then there's the part where i'm sitting here reading fanfiction and that's like ALL i'm doing and the words are blurring together but I don't want to bother getting up and getting my reading glasses so i might need to find something else to do? IDK.
i kinda just want another few days of the weekend, where i'm out doing things with my parents and cooking things and texting with people and i really want K to come back from portland.
she's off having a fantastic time at writing camp and i really miss her. like. i think not having her here has helped with getting my sleep back to societal norms (and what i need to have it like if i'm gonna go to school this fall) but it also means we can't discuss theories on who's the darach and i can't make her ship corsaac even though corsaac, dude. corsaac. THE SET UP IS ALL THERE IN CANON. and i want to talk about the possibility of Stiles becoming a Poison Friend and how much i want it (seriously i think about it and cry sometimes. i really really want stiles to be the Poison Friend becuaser ;lkjsadflkjkl;h;asldf) and about that line from last week where morell was like 'it's a bit late to play big brother' and WHAT. what does that MEAN and
she's not here and it's weird and i'm lonely all day.
And it doesn't help that I officially quit CTE, because I wasn't going anyway, and it's painful to think about going, and I've been kind of on the edge of an anxiety attack whenever it got brought up. soooo in other words I'm free ALL DAY and now that I'm not sleeping through it it's like so what do i do now and she isn't here to do things with me. or to pester. whatever. AND there's like fourish people i would want to hang out with right now, and one of them is at cte, one of them is at a different theatre intensive thing, one of them is in seattle (he'll be back soon, but point is i can't bike over to his house right now and make him get up and hang out with me and talk about his issues), and one of them doesn't actually even live in olympia and neither of us have decent transportation options so.....
wow, three of those four people are guys. and the one girl i think also hangs out primarily with guys. interesting.
i guess it's just easier to be friends with guys. (unfortunately i also tend to agree with harry, to an extent. whoops.)
i'm just gonna go back to my fanfiction and maybe watch disney channel to keep me awake. yeahhh.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

i have only been awake for like twelve and a half hours i swear

okay so im not actually sure that anyone who reads my blog (does anyone read my blog anymore? i haven't checked my stats in a few weeks) watches teen wolf so rundown:
show about teenage werewolves. the primary characters are: the main character, scott, his sometimes-girlfriend, allison, who's family are werewolf hunters (only her dad's alive at this point tho), his best friend, stiles (stiles is human so is allison), and derek, who is a broody twenty-something whose cougar-girlfriend was allison's aunt and killed most of his family (he's a werewolf and so was his family. only him and his sister laura and his uncle peter survived. then laura died. peter also died but was brought back to life, which, spoilers, sorry, but whatever. he has some serious bad-touch tendancies. also derek's baby sister came back to life or never died or something and THIS HAS NOT BEEN QUESTIONED ON THE SHOW I MEAN WHAT anyway). SO YES THAT IS THE MAIN CHARACTERS. there's a plethora of other characters, like Lydia who is actually a main character but i couldn't figure out how to work her in there, and Jackson who used to be a main character BUT THE ACTOR LEFT THIS SEASON and Boyd who is a sassy silent motherfucker and isaac who is the cutest puppy of all time and erica but she's dead and the sheriff who is stiles' dad and ms mccall who's scott's mom and she's the best ever and deaton who's the vetrinarian shaman magical lore dude who teaches scott and stiles everything he knows also morell who may or may not be his sister and i think is an evil druid but not the point
Derek is played by Tyler Hoechlin who has REALLY IMPrESSIVE EyEBROWS I MEAN
they're kind of like caterpillars that sit on his face all the time THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
So because Derek is a werewolf, they put Tyler Hoechlin in prosthetic makeup sometimes (a lot. he shifts a lot. often it's just his eyes or claws, tho, not the full beta shift) and BASICALLY
when this happens, his eyebrows COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR.
I only just now learned this. they completely cover his eyebrows in makeup. it's wonderful.
yes this is what i think about when i get bored
on another note i got my glasses out at like one am and OH LORDY I CAN SEE SO MUCH BETTER. no more headaches!

Sunday, June 30, 2013


So unless my dad installed a virus that only activates between midnight and WHENEVER, apparently my computer is so fucked up IT CAN'T EVEN SHUT DOWN and of course I was going to read this one fic, but NO, first I have to reload the page ten times and then do the same at the beginning of every chapter and then when I think that's all I have to do, once I get to chapter four or five, I have to hit refresh an extra twenty times throughout the chapter.
then chrome crashed completely. 
And then it crashed again. 
NOW I'm blessing whoever made chrome a cross platform application because I can finish my fics in peace on my iPad. 
This also means I have spent at least a full hour and a half trying to troubleshoot, WITHOUT the help of my dad who is GOOD at these things. Also, I haven't hit the happy part of not eating for nine hours where the hunger pangs are super easy to ignore so I'm just sitting here, wide awake at four am, hungry, REALLY FUCKING MAD and feeling weirdly betrayed by my laptop, and generally feeling miserable and lonely. I DONT GET LONELY WHEN IM UP LATE. THIS IS MY TIME FOR INTROVERSION. I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED. 
And it like, jfc, I know for a fact that this isn't pms, because that was like, a week and a half ago, so SHUT UP BRAIN AND HORMONES AND STOMACH AND EMOTIONS AND WHATEVER ELSE. 
Godddddd I hate everything. 
Edit: I am totally not crying right now shut the fuck up. I just don't get what I did to deserve this? I've never been one to believe that 'bad things happen to good people' or even 'shit happens'. Something's gotta give for anything else to give, I guess. And fuck if I know what I did. All I know is that I'm totally not crying at four thirty am and my laptop has apparently had it ( I HAVENG EVEN HAD IT FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. WHAT THE SHIT, DELL) and my room was perfectly neat yesterday but today? Hahahahahahahahaha fuck you, no, my family is hell-bent on increasing my anxiety by leaving things out in my room whenever they come in without knocking and then leave the door open. And on top of that, I'm still not 100% or even 50% sure about what's happening with CTE or Portland in right hours or the rest of my fucking summer or who my friends are (that last one is actually about 4% sure). My throat has felt weird for like, a week, in a multitude of ways, none of which really seemed to have an actual solution, and I've had like three anxiety attacks this week and I'm on the verge of a fourth (fifth? I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING KEEP TRACK) and - AND - even though I've had a shitton of anxiety attacks, I didn't have a set appointment AND COULD NOT GET AN APPOINTMENT with my therapist this week and so I just have all this shit building up and I feel really fucking isolated by it because I haven't had group therapy in MONTHS and I haven't seen her singularly in three weeks and I can fucking see the treeline out my window. I wanted to be asleep like two and a half hours ago. I always say that and nothing changes.  I started a insomnia workbook, and I fell asleep before I could get to actual treatment for it. Is that just so fucking ironic. And here I am having another anxiety attack about the fact that I am awake at dawn and that's only because I haven't fallen asleep yet. 
It has been forty minutes and my laptop still isn't done logging me out. Fuck my life. 

Friday, June 28, 2013


THIS IS A SCREENSHOT OF MY STATS PAGE. LOOKIEEEEEEEE. I haven't been lying about the whole international readership thing! Here have some proof! Yeah so I don't actually know why you would want to be reading about my life if you don't know me proper but I DON'T EVEN CARE THIS IS SO FREAKING COOL. PEOPLE FROM RUSSIA AND THE NETHERLANDS AND CHINA ARE READING MY BLOG. AKJFJ;LKSDH.
So yeah this is from my all-time audience stats page and wow, I don't even know how to react to this. I think I've talked before about wanting to know my readers better and seriously, PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF! I have anon comments enabled and I don't even care what you say, just leave a comment on this post PLEASE and say hi or go die in a hole or SOMETHING. people are interesting! you have obviously taken an interest in my life and i want to know why! TELL ME YOUR LIFE STORY IN THE COMMENTS.
go say hi in the comments shhhhhh go go go just go

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I have insomnia and an anxiety disorder and a stupid crush and weird issues and sometimes shitty friends and I also ramble a lot. At least I'm eloquent about it.

I get embarrassed really easily. Surprised? You shouldn't be; you probably already know I have debilitating anxiety disorder. But yeah, I get embarrassed easily and blush easily and I get really defensive easily and super shy around people I don't know well or if I'm uncomfortable. 
But every time I get so embarrassed I can't speak, which doesn't happen as often as I make it out to, at some point the embarrassment breaks and I just have a flood of self-confidence and I feel kind of invincible. I remember sitting with a bunch of friends last fall and one of them was telling a story about conversation I'd had in which I'd discussed how attractive one of my friends was. He was sitting in the room at the time, and I had kind of curled myself into a ball in the corner while she was telling the story, but then when she was done he turned to me and said, wait, really?, and I just got this surge of confidence and flat out told him that I thought (and still think) he's hot. A couple months later I actually told him I liked him via text. He later told me he liked me too, but now he has a something-or-other with another friend. I don't really know where our relationship is right now, other than that we text about video games and caffeine and I sometimes cry at him about Teen Wolf and he doesn't even pretend to care anymore. I hated him for a few years, but I'm honest now in saying that he's one of my best friends. He's baselessly insecure in all the same ways I am, and we share weird mental things (ordinal linguistic personification, look it up) and he stays up until three am and lets me rant at him about feminism. 
I think I'm just always going to have a stupid crush on him. At this point, if you're one of my friends, I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about. If not, here's a hint: I've known him since second grade.
Yeah. That should tell you something. 
I don't know what my point was with this post was. It's four thirty and I have CTE in seven and a half hours, and I'm going to have to go in and tell them that I didn't feel well. At least that lie will actually still work on them, unlike my old classmates who were immune to it. Most of them didn't even accept that I didn't want it to be up for discussion, either. At least, not the ones who didn't know about the fact that I have an actual serious mental illness that won't seem to go away no matter how hard I try. The ones who did though? They were awesome. 
Again. I don't know what point I'm trying to get across here. It's four thirty. I'm allowed to have no idea what I'm doing, right? Maybe I just wanted to get that one stupid crush off my chest. I have already rejected myself for him. I see no reason to let him do the rejecting. I like being friends with him. 
Is that bad? That I'm rejecting myself for people? It kind of takes the pain away already. I mean. There's a boy I've liked for a couple of years at CTE, too, but he's a jerk 70% of the time and makes fat jokes anyway, so I don't see myself as anything interesting to him. It's almost like that with a lot of the people I would love so much to be friends with, too. There's a girl in PT who got it when I said, if I could have any car, I would get a '67 Impala. She leaned forward and said, to go hunting? She makes Doctor Who jokes and wore a Marvel shirt on the first day. But I'm flaily and awkward and she's pretty and clever and hangs out with the CTE boy I like. I don't know why she would actually want to hang out with me. Same with the friend of a friend who's in her first year of showcase and has been ridiculously nice to me. It feels like an ulterior motive. With everyone, all the time. With my friends. Not the one I have the stupid crush on, but whatever. With all of my other friends. Even when my own sister is nice it feels that way. I'm always afraid her niceness is going to come back and bite me in the ass because she'll want something in return. People usually do. I'm not sure I know anyone who is ever nice for the sake of being nice. Those people only exist in fiction. 
Well. This has been a nice long existential post. On the bright side, my friends who actually went just got back from Costa Rica (holy shit they went to Costa Rica for like a week holy shit) and I missed them a ton and I'm going to make them hang out with me now. 
Although, as long as I'm talking about my friends, there is someone who I haven't seen since the pool party and hasn't texted me back and when I tagged her in a comment on google plus, she responded to the person who originally posted, even though my comment was directed at her. I don't know where we are right now, either. I've texted her a few times. I kind of feel like the ball is in her court, but mostly I feel like she's avoiding talking to me. This is not the healthy and proper way to deal with that feeling, but I don't like being straightforward. It's honestly frightening for me, because the last time I was straightforward with someone was in October, and our friendship is still mending from it. Our relationship over the past year has been like a really, really shitty rollercoaster. Can you see why I might not want to be straightforward now? Yeah. 
I think I'm going to stop confessing my irrational emotional fears to the Internet now and maybe try to sleep. I would say that I'm sorry for this post, but it's been a good purge. I don't feel better, but I understand more. Or something. Yeah. I've been writing for half an hour. Longer, probably. Given how long this is, that shouldn't surprise me. 
Sleep sound good now, though. I don't know how my sleep schedule got so fucked up again, but apparently that happened. Five and a half hours of sleep probably isn't enough to function on, but I think it's the best I'm going to get.
You're welcome to ponder all of the above mentioned issues and pester me about them. I miss social interaction with people I don't feel judged by.

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Have you ever had something that was just irrevocably yours? That you could do or go to and it would wash away your demons and let you be calm and not worry?
And have you ever met someone who is the PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT of those demons?
I thought so. 
Now imagine that the thing that is yours is a summer camp. Something you have loved for most of your life, and that was steadier than your own heartbeat, and that was incorruptible because it made you happy even though so many other things couldn't. Something that made you lose sight of your monumental issues. Something that you looked forward to ALL year because of that.
Got it?
Now imagine that this person, let's call him Ken, is participating in the camp this year. 
How does that make you feel?
Like you're going to fucking kill him, that's how. 
He's doing CTE and CTE was perfect. It has the Foleys and the Bustetters and John and Annika and Jenna and Sammy and the two other Emilys I have squishes on and now it has Ken, too. 
You know, I was excited. I've been talking about getting to be in the shop with the paint that I helped label and the table I helped build and the set pieces that never get taken apart, just repainted over and over and over. I love CTE and I love the Techies and I love Bree and Jason and Megan and Paul and Kathy and now?
I don't see a reason to get up in the morning and go if Ken's going to be there. I barely liked him when he was in sixth grade, and then when he came back from Jefferson this year? He embodies all of the ignorance and bigotry and hatred that fuels like, at least 70% of my anxiety. I have never met anyone whom I hate with such a passion. And I don't even use the word hate lightly. Rare is it that I honestly, truly hate someone.
But Ken?
He's making me consider giving up something that has LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE for parts of the past few years. 
If I had grounds for a restraining order, other than that he has made me want to kill myself simply so that I don't have to live on the same plane as him anymore, I would make it so that he couldn't be in the same fucking state as me. 
But I can't do that, so it's either endure the psychological torture of being near him everyday, or drop out of CTE. 
And honestly, dropping out sounds better. That's how bad he is. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

not better

scrolling through forum threads on why people think depression is bullshit isn't going to make me feel any better, is it
they're trying to tell me that the fact that i'm not okay is a lie when i'm not okay

they don't know how fucking isolating it is, do they?
i fucking miss group. it was that thing that i had that didn't make me feel like i was going insane all the time.
and now? well. 
we're back to the questioning my actual sanity on a semi-regular basis. 
plus the fact that i alternately am in these highs where i listen to david bowie and sit cross-legged and don't feel lonely and in these low spots where i know i'm being irrational but i want to run away and i listen to lifehouse and fun. and elliott smith and rilo kiley and they all make me cry but i don't want to listen to anything else.
and there's no in between. that's the best part, right? either i'm in one place or another and 
i know i should be out socializing but there are like, two select people i want to talk to and
one of them is in costa rica and the other hasn't been answering my texts regularly.
i don't know why he isn't answering my texts, because i thought things were okay between us, and i'm generally saying things that to almost anyone else would warrant response but
god i'm over him and i've moved on and we're actual friends again but i'm still complaining about him here.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
no really, what's wrong with me? i can't tell anymore and i don't see a way to get out of it.
i really just wish i had someone who stayed up til four and didn't make me feel guilty for not being okay and who appreciated my humor and my music and didn't comment on their own body, always to unintentionally make me feel worse about my own and didn't look at me with those eyes that i just know are judging me when they don't agree with me
i have no one like that.
i have people who fit some of those singular descriptors.
but the last few?
nope. nada. zilch.
everything is just so fucking isolating.

Saturday, June 15, 2013


laughing at myself for no reason is something i haven't done in awhile.
it's nice.
i'm on a david bowie kick right now, and i have four tabs of sterek fic that i've been meaning to read for three days open, and i'm kind of interacting with people online, and i feel better.
it's. it's nice.

Monday, June 10, 2013

dear laptop

thank you for fucking up my night even more
i really appreciate it
next time i might really lose my temper and you may be thrown across the room instead of my earbuds
just a warning
you know
next time don't fuck with my settings unless i tell you to
got it?
i hate you.
you deserve no love,

Sunday, June 9, 2013

It's Interesting.

So I haven't been posting here much. If you actually still follow along (which, wow, why?) then you know that I plug my writing blog (sometimesrosewrites) as much as possible.
And yet I have ten followers here and only one there.
It's just interesting.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


seriously. i have a friend who's freaking out about A BUNCH OF STUFF and I can't do much to help except for me like I'M NOT MAD THAT YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. BREATHE. GO PLAY VIDEO GAMES
and ughh i want to be able to fix people's problems but it's hard. it's really, really hard.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Upside-Down Sunsets

No, I don't mean sunrises.
I was at the Pioneer playground today, (well okay technically Henderson Field but WHATEVER MAN) and I was thinking about a time almost a year ago - a year ago in a week or two, actually - when I walked there and just lay on my back on the wood structure with my head hanging off the ledge where the fireman pole is and watched the sun go down.
One of my neighbors was there, and he was a senior last year - a freshman in college now - and that's where he went to elementary school, and I just sat there and watched him and wondered what was going through his head. If he just came there to think.
Before we moved to this house, back in sixth grade, I sometimes did that. I walked four blocks over to Lincoln and sat on the swings or in the gazebo or back around the tennis courts at one of the covered picnic tables all the time, because I'm more likely than anyone I know to get sentimental about shitty parts of my life.
I do that a lot, actually. More than I would likely admit were it not two thirty in the morning.
Not the point. I guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately, and today wasn't necessarily a 'good' day, even though it was supposed to be, and then I went over to Pioneer and had a while to just sit around and listen to music and then I came home and listened to Needle In The Hay on repeat and read a bunch of fluff and found out that one of my favorite fics finished awhile ago after I had given up on it and it's become the first part of a series and Grant let me rant at him and made me feel better about ranting at him by being self deprecating which, he really had no reason to be, but it made me feel better, and the point is, I had a crappy day until I got time to myself.
So today was an introvert day, I guess, because I may be up at two forty five, but I'm remarkably positive, when usually when I'm up this late it's because the lump in my throat that comes from almost-crying won't go away but actually, that lump went away around seven pm today and hasn't come back since.
Admittedly, I'm going to wake up and freak out because my piano lesson tomorrow (today? whatever) is twice as long as usual and I haven't even looked at my books since last week because HIGH SCHOOL and then CONCERT and then STRESS, but I always do okay and my teacher really likes me because, as she puts it, I'm not six years old. Her student before me is (well, actually seven) and I'm much more advanced and she can write in cursive in my notebook! And she's lovely to work with so there's that, too.
Anyway! Things are kind of veering all over the place right now, and while it may be chaotic, it's pleasing to the eye. And yes, I'm kind of turning my life into a piece of modern art. But that's okay, because modern and semi-abstract art are all about the interpretation and I've had a million different interpretations thrown at me in the past week but the only one that matters is my own and I happen to really like my own.
Does that make sense?
I hope that makes sense. Because I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

on another note.

i have like nine other tabs open and they're titled with stuff like 'doctor who sexism' and 'Doctor Who and The Bechdel Test' which, okay, the Bechdel test isn't always going to be an accurate portrayal of whether or not something is sexist, but point is
it will probably devolve into like, sexism and feminist awareness in nerd culture and fandom and whatnot but still i'm starting where I wanted to and. yes. yes i'm excited.
and i'm sitting here watching the end of s3 and agh i don't think any of these three episodes passed the Bechdel test but not always accurate because ugh there are like four or five different really strong female characters but the PRIMARY character is still a dude and basically, Twelve or Thirteen should be a timelady and Moffat should go die in a hole and RTD should come back because Moffat's Who is nowhere near as good.
ugh i have a lot of things to say about this and this is not the place to say them.


I haven't even been blogging regularly (ugh i'm sorry okay i'm busy with not being able to sleep and getting into the high school i want to go to and last week my paternal grandmother was here and that's a whole different story) BUUUUT
i hit 2k pageviews. i find that astounding and kind of weird but also freaking amazing.
why do you people all like me so much?

Friday, April 12, 2013

Know What's Not Fun?

Backsliding after it had been going so well:
five thirty to
to three
to five thirty again.
when you thought you were getting better/
when you're told to just stay it through when you want to sleep forever.
it's not fun to look at people and think, they've been up all day,
like i should have been.
it's not fun to be scolded by society for having issues.
it's not fun to be scolded by ANYONE for having issues.
why don't people get that?

Sunday, April 7, 2013


So i was looking at my blog stats for this particular blog and ohmygod, who is using Internet Explorer?
You are number two on the list of browsers that my blog is visited from. HAVE I NOT TAUGHT YOU BETTER, GRASSHOPPERS?
Perhaps I've never mentioned this before.
So. Here, have lists of the best browsers to use for
1. Chrome. Of course. It's fast, it's safe, and is compatible with Missing E and Adblock. Not to mention that it looks fantastic. What more could you want? And - hey, this is a good reason to download it (for free!!) - I  use it!
2. Firefox. I used to use it, but then it started freezing up on me when I had more than two tabs open. That just didn't work. I no longer have that problem, and it's still on my laptop, but I prefer Chrome. Overall, it's safe, fast, compatible with missing e and adblock, and only slightly less aesthetically pleasing than Chrome. (I also have an Avengers theme installed on Chrome so I'm biased but whatever.)
3. Internet Explorer. Ewh. While Microsoft is slowly (emphasis on SLOWLY) making it more tolerable, it's still the best browser for downloading other browsers. It's slow, relatively susceptible to virus, and has no addons available whatsoever. No AdBlock. no Missing E. It's just. Please don't.
for Macs:
1. Safari. I love the way Safari works. It doesn't, however, work on Windows, and I only have a PC, so. But it's really fast, it's safe, it has an addon store so Missing E and AdBlock and all sorts of things work. It's awesome.
2. Chrome. Same reasons as I love it for Windows.
3. Firefox. Same reasons as I like it for windows.
now I also know that some people use Opera, which I think is maybe Amazon or Android's browser, and while I haven't had much experience with it, I like it. I like it very much. as for the ones I don't know, idc. as long as it isn't IE.
So. Yes. Browsers and things. Add-ons and themes are good things to have for people who live online. :)


No, I didn't get a new one. Pffshh. I wish.
Actually, I just rediscovered the joys of it. A REAL LIVE KEYBOARD. (don't worry it's not actually alive) BEING ABLE TO TYPE LIKE SEVENTY WPM WITHOUT A SPELLING MISTAKE EVERY OTHER LETTER.
being able to view videos that arent available for mobile platforms i mean DAMN
but yes i am sitting on my bed with merlin and listening to the Avengers OST and writing Teen Wolf fanfiction (which will probably be discarded because i can't write twff to save my life i just my characterization is total shit) and THE AVENGERS OST.
also on James Horner and Alan Silvestri (I CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR ALAN SILVESTRI SCORES OHMYGOD YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and Howard Shore (Howard Shore you guyS I MEAN SIX SOUNDTRACKS (two still in the works) FOR THE WORKS OF TOLKIEN AND EACH ONE IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE LAST HOLY SHIT MAN) and John Williams and Alexandre Desplat and Hans Zimmer (HANS ZIMMER YOU GUYS HE COMPOSED FOR INCEPTION AND THE LION KING AND THE DARK KNIGHT AND GLADIATOR I FUCKING LOVE HANS ZIMMER) and James Horner again for Titanic (but not Patrick Doyle or at least not for hp because IDK it's probably just me but his OSTs weren't as good as Williams' or Desplat's but then again they had better books to compose for i guess? i could include him for Thor but no) and oh god, Alan Menken (DUDE. ALAN MENKEN. YOU KNOW THE NAME. YOU KNOW YOU DO. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. THE LITTLE MERMAID. NEWSIES. ALADDIN. POCAHONTAS. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. HERCULES. ENCHANTED. TANGLED. YOU KNOW, THAT DISNEY GUY.), and last but DEFINITELY NOT LEAST, MISTER TIM BURTON COLLABORATOR, Danny Elfman (i knew who he was but i didn't if you get that until like just now like Danny Elfman is fucking amazing ohmygod): THEY ARE ALL ANGELS SENT FROM HEAVEN ABOVE TO DELIVER US THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SCORES TO EVER HAVE BEEN IN A MOVIE EVER.
(yes so i like composers heh i have rants also david tattersall is good he's a cinematographer and talk about an eye for it i mean damn but the things i've seen that he's done i mean i mean i mean just LOOK AT 'EM. PRETTYY.)

Thursday, February 28, 2013


Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. ASMR. (google is your friend, people.) I think YouTube and Sterek fan fiction just cured my insomnia.
Now all I really, really want is for Dylan O'Brien to make 3D ASMR tapping/whisper/pencil videos. Because I really want that.
Dylan O'Brien would be amazing at ASMR. Roleplay, too, he'd be really good at that.
Now I'm imagining Dylan O'Brien 3D Massage/Hypnosis RP videos and dying so goodnight. (Good morning? Idk.)

Saturday, January 12, 2013


(End Jedward rant)
(Cue everyday superstar lyrics)
She got hips like shakira
Lips like Angelina
Twisted like gaga
Dances like Madonna
She got that boom boom like Britney
Swagger like beyonce
Babe dont you know that you are
My everyday superstar
Everyday superstar
Everyday superstarrrrr
She got that chemistry, chemistry
Mixin it up
She keeps on sendin me
Sendin me
Over the top
She got that chemistry, chemistry
Mixin it up
She keeps on sendin me
Sendin me
Over the top
She got hips like shakira
Lips like Angelina
Twisted like gaga
Dances like Madonna
She got that boom boom like Britney
Swagger like beyonce
Babe dont you know that you are
My everyday superstar
Everyday superstar
Everyday superstarrrrr
She's my everyday superstar
(End everyday superstar lyrics)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

... NOPE.

Winter break is over, and school starts tomorrow, and I don't want to go back. I need to go back, because it's school, and truancy, and blah blah blah, and because I need to be there for a friend, but it's a Wednesday and I dislike Wednesdays a lot. Not as much as Thursdays, but I still dislike them. My classes are boring on Wednesdays. Not to mention that it's the first day back so my teachers will all be like 'this is what we were doing and if you don't remember everything we learned the day before break I'll send you to the bench' and just shoot me please. I don't wanna go back.
I honestly don't have a good reason to finish this year at NOVA, either. There are exactly three people I still want to be around, and I only have one daily class with one of them. Otherwise, even like the play or a really good project wouldn't be effective incentive for me to stay. There are seven people I can think of off the top of my head who I don't want to be around, like, ever, and how do I deal with that when they don't know and I can't tell them because our school has enough drama as it is.
Ugh. I wish it were easier.
On another note, I'm now taking sleep meds on school night because I have a fucked up sleep schedule and nothing works and my parents and my teachers like it when I go to school, even though I dread it because I'm sick of interacting with people who can't see a way to get through their own shit. This might sound hypocritical to some, but I always know how. I just don't always do said things because like I said, interacting with people is hard.
So yeah.
Apparently I've returned to I WILL DUMP MY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE ON MY READERS HAHAHAHA so I'm sort for that.
But you know what
My blahg, my rules.
I can be as emotional as I want. :/


Holidays are hard.
I love Christmas. I do, I love it so much.
So December 26th is a hard day to wake up on because I know that I have to wait another three hundred and sixty four days for Christmas to come around again.
When I say 'hard' it's really more like 'harddddd' with all five of those d's, because it's not just that day, it's the next and the next and the next and then, on the thirtieth, I realize, oh. It's going to be 2013 in two days. It'll be a new year and a fresh start.
So when January first comes, it's even worse. Not only do I have to wait three hundred and fifty whatever days for Christmas, but nothing is different. The weather is exactly the same as yesterday's. I am the same age, plus one day, I probably haven't grown a significant amount, and neither has anyone else. Nothing is different, and yet our society treats it like an entirely new entity that we have to treat delicately, like it's breakable and it could go so wrong it would destroy us all when really,
It won't be that different from last year.
The only thing different is one little digit in the date, and the fact that we have started a new cycle of orbiting around the sun which - if I may point out - we have nothing to do with.
The idea of a "new year" is kind of futile. Things are just the same as they were before.
It's just astrology/nomy (IDK which, whatever) and it doesn't matter anyway.
I'm surrounded by the same people.
It's not like it's going to get better.