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Thursday, June 27, 2013

I have insomnia and an anxiety disorder and a stupid crush and weird issues and sometimes shitty friends and I also ramble a lot. At least I'm eloquent about it.

I get embarrassed really easily. Surprised? You shouldn't be; you probably already know I have debilitating anxiety disorder. But yeah, I get embarrassed easily and blush easily and I get really defensive easily and super shy around people I don't know well or if I'm uncomfortable. 
But every time I get so embarrassed I can't speak, which doesn't happen as often as I make it out to, at some point the embarrassment breaks and I just have a flood of self-confidence and I feel kind of invincible. I remember sitting with a bunch of friends last fall and one of them was telling a story about conversation I'd had in which I'd discussed how attractive one of my friends was. He was sitting in the room at the time, and I had kind of curled myself into a ball in the corner while she was telling the story, but then when she was done he turned to me and said, wait, really?, and I just got this surge of confidence and flat out told him that I thought (and still think) he's hot. A couple months later I actually told him I liked him via text. He later told me he liked me too, but now he has a something-or-other with another friend. I don't really know where our relationship is right now, other than that we text about video games and caffeine and I sometimes cry at him about Teen Wolf and he doesn't even pretend to care anymore. I hated him for a few years, but I'm honest now in saying that he's one of my best friends. He's baselessly insecure in all the same ways I am, and we share weird mental things (ordinal linguistic personification, look it up) and he stays up until three am and lets me rant at him about feminism. 
I think I'm just always going to have a stupid crush on him. At this point, if you're one of my friends, I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about. If not, here's a hint: I've known him since second grade.
Yeah. That should tell you something. 
I don't know what my point was with this post was. It's four thirty and I have CTE in seven and a half hours, and I'm going to have to go in and tell them that I didn't feel well. At least that lie will actually still work on them, unlike my old classmates who were immune to it. Most of them didn't even accept that I didn't want it to be up for discussion, either. At least, not the ones who didn't know about the fact that I have an actual serious mental illness that won't seem to go away no matter how hard I try. The ones who did though? They were awesome. 
Again. I don't know what point I'm trying to get across here. It's four thirty. I'm allowed to have no idea what I'm doing, right? Maybe I just wanted to get that one stupid crush off my chest. I have already rejected myself for him. I see no reason to let him do the rejecting. I like being friends with him. 
Is that bad? That I'm rejecting myself for people? It kind of takes the pain away already. I mean. There's a boy I've liked for a couple of years at CTE, too, but he's a jerk 70% of the time and makes fat jokes anyway, so I don't see myself as anything interesting to him. It's almost like that with a lot of the people I would love so much to be friends with, too. There's a girl in PT who got it when I said, if I could have any car, I would get a '67 Impala. She leaned forward and said, to go hunting? She makes Doctor Who jokes and wore a Marvel shirt on the first day. But I'm flaily and awkward and she's pretty and clever and hangs out with the CTE boy I like. I don't know why she would actually want to hang out with me. Same with the friend of a friend who's in her first year of showcase and has been ridiculously nice to me. It feels like an ulterior motive. With everyone, all the time. With my friends. Not the one I have the stupid crush on, but whatever. With all of my other friends. Even when my own sister is nice it feels that way. I'm always afraid her niceness is going to come back and bite me in the ass because she'll want something in return. People usually do. I'm not sure I know anyone who is ever nice for the sake of being nice. Those people only exist in fiction. 
Well. This has been a nice long existential post. On the bright side, my friends who actually went just got back from Costa Rica (holy shit they went to Costa Rica for like a week holy shit) and I missed them a ton and I'm going to make them hang out with me now. 
Although, as long as I'm talking about my friends, there is someone who I haven't seen since the pool party and hasn't texted me back and when I tagged her in a comment on google plus, she responded to the person who originally posted, even though my comment was directed at her. I don't know where we are right now, either. I've texted her a few times. I kind of feel like the ball is in her court, but mostly I feel like she's avoiding talking to me. This is not the healthy and proper way to deal with that feeling, but I don't like being straightforward. It's honestly frightening for me, because the last time I was straightforward with someone was in October, and our friendship is still mending from it. Our relationship over the past year has been like a really, really shitty rollercoaster. Can you see why I might not want to be straightforward now? Yeah. 
I think I'm going to stop confessing my irrational emotional fears to the Internet now and maybe try to sleep. I would say that I'm sorry for this post, but it's been a good purge. I don't feel better, but I understand more. Or something. Yeah. I've been writing for half an hour. Longer, probably. Given how long this is, that shouldn't surprise me. 
Sleep sound good now, though. I don't know how my sleep schedule got so fucked up again, but apparently that happened. Five and a half hours of sleep probably isn't enough to function on, but I think it's the best I'm going to get.
You're welcome to ponder all of the above mentioned issues and pester me about them. I miss social interaction with people I don't feel judged by.

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