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Sunday, June 23, 2013


Have you ever had something that was just irrevocably yours? That you could do or go to and it would wash away your demons and let you be calm and not worry?
And have you ever met someone who is the PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT of those demons?
I thought so. 
Now imagine that the thing that is yours is a summer camp. Something you have loved for most of your life, and that was steadier than your own heartbeat, and that was incorruptible because it made you happy even though so many other things couldn't. Something that made you lose sight of your monumental issues. Something that you looked forward to ALL year because of that.
Got it?
Now imagine that this person, let's call him Ken, is participating in the camp this year. 
How does that make you feel?
Like you're going to fucking kill him, that's how. 
He's doing CTE and CTE was perfect. It has the Foleys and the Bustetters and John and Annika and Jenna and Sammy and the two other Emilys I have squishes on and now it has Ken, too. 
You know, I was excited. I've been talking about getting to be in the shop with the paint that I helped label and the table I helped build and the set pieces that never get taken apart, just repainted over and over and over. I love CTE and I love the Techies and I love Bree and Jason and Megan and Paul and Kathy and now?
I don't see a reason to get up in the morning and go if Ken's going to be there. I barely liked him when he was in sixth grade, and then when he came back from Jefferson this year? He embodies all of the ignorance and bigotry and hatred that fuels like, at least 70% of my anxiety. I have never met anyone whom I hate with such a passion. And I don't even use the word hate lightly. Rare is it that I honestly, truly hate someone.
But Ken?
He's making me consider giving up something that has LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE for parts of the past few years. 
If I had grounds for a restraining order, other than that he has made me want to kill myself simply so that I don't have to live on the same plane as him anymore, I would make it so that he couldn't be in the same fucking state as me. 
But I can't do that, so it's either endure the psychological torture of being near him everyday, or drop out of CTE. 
And honestly, dropping out sounds better. That's how bad he is. 

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