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Monday, June 17, 2013

not better

scrolling through forum threads on why people think depression is bullshit isn't going to make me feel any better, is it
they're trying to tell me that the fact that i'm not okay is a lie when i'm not okay

they don't know how fucking isolating it is, do they?
i fucking miss group. it was that thing that i had that didn't make me feel like i was going insane all the time.
and now? well. 
we're back to the questioning my actual sanity on a semi-regular basis. 
plus the fact that i alternately am in these highs where i listen to david bowie and sit cross-legged and don't feel lonely and in these low spots where i know i'm being irrational but i want to run away and i listen to lifehouse and fun. and elliott smith and rilo kiley and they all make me cry but i don't want to listen to anything else.
and there's no in between. that's the best part, right? either i'm in one place or another and 
i know i should be out socializing but there are like, two select people i want to talk to and
one of them is in costa rica and the other hasn't been answering my texts regularly.
i don't know why he isn't answering my texts, because i thought things were okay between us, and i'm generally saying things that to almost anyone else would warrant response but
god i'm over him and i've moved on and we're actual friends again but i'm still complaining about him here.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
no really, what's wrong with me? i can't tell anymore and i don't see a way to get out of it.
i really just wish i had someone who stayed up til four and didn't make me feel guilty for not being okay and who appreciated my humor and my music and didn't comment on their own body, always to unintentionally make me feel worse about my own and didn't look at me with those eyes that i just know are judging me when they don't agree with me
i have no one like that.
i have people who fit some of those singular descriptors.
but the last few?
nope. nada. zilch.
everything is just so fucking isolating.

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