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Sunday, June 30, 2013

WOW OKAY I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER, LIFE/WORLD/UNIVERSE/MY LAPTOP

So unless my dad installed a virus that only activates between midnight and WHENEVER, apparently my computer is so fucked up IT CAN'T EVEN SHUT DOWN and of course I was going to read this one fic, but NO, first I have to reload the page ten times and then do the same at the beginning of every chapter and then when I think that's all I have to do, once I get to chapter four or five, I have to hit refresh an extra twenty times throughout the chapter.
And after an hour of at, not even support.chrome.com will work. I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHY IT'S GIVING ME ERROR MESSAGES BECAUSE THE ONLY RESOURCE PAGE I HAVE GIVES ME ANOTHER ERROR MESSAGE. 
then chrome crashed completely. 
And then it crashed again. 
So logically, I restart my computer.  Turning off and turning it back on, right? WRONG. THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER. IT HAS BEEN LOGGING ME OUT FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. IT HASN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO SHUTTING DOWN, MUCH LESS BOOTING UP AGAIN. JESUS H CHRIST. 
NOW I'm blessing whoever made chrome a cross platform application because I can finish my fics in peace on my iPad. 
HOWEVER
This also means I have spent at least a full hour and a half trying to troubleshoot, WITHOUT the help of my dad who is GOOD at these things. Also, I haven't hit the happy part of not eating for nine hours where the hunger pangs are super easy to ignore so I'm just sitting here, wide awake at four am, hungry, REALLY FUCKING MAD and feeling weirdly betrayed by my laptop, and generally feeling miserable and lonely. I DONT GET LONELY WHEN IM UP LATE. THIS IS MY TIME FOR INTROVERSION. I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED. 
And it like, jfc, I know for a fact that this isn't pms, because that was like, a week and a half ago, so SHUT UP BRAIN AND HORMONES AND STOMACH AND EMOTIONS AND WHATEVER ELSE. 
Godddddd I hate everything. 
Edit: I am totally not crying right now shut the fuck up. I just don't get what I did to deserve this? I've never been one to believe that 'bad things happen to good people' or even 'shit happens'. Something's gotta give for anything else to give, I guess. And fuck if I know what I did. All I know is that I'm totally not crying at four thirty am and my laptop has apparently had it ( I HAVENG EVEN HAD IT FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. WHAT THE SHIT, DELL) and my room was perfectly neat yesterday but today? Hahahahahahahahaha fuck you, no, my family is hell-bent on increasing my anxiety by leaving things out in my room whenever they come in without knocking and then leave the door open. And on top of that, I'm still not 100% or even 50% sure about what's happening with CTE or Portland in right hours or the rest of my fucking summer or who my friends are (that last one is actually about 4% sure). My throat has felt weird for like, a week, in a multitude of ways, none of which really seemed to have an actual solution, and I've had like three anxiety attacks this week and I'm on the verge of a fourth (fifth? I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING KEEP TRACK) and - AND - even though I've had a shitton of anxiety attacks, I didn't have a set appointment AND COULD NOT GET AN APPOINTMENT with my therapist this week and so I just have all this shit building up and I feel really fucking isolated by it because I haven't had group therapy in MONTHS and I haven't seen her singularly in three weeks and I can fucking see the treeline out my window. I wanted to be asleep like two and a half hours ago. I always say that and nothing changes.  I started a insomnia workbook, and I fell asleep before I could get to actual treatment for it. Is that just so fucking ironic. And here I am having another anxiety attack about the fact that I am awake at dawn and that's only because I haven't fallen asleep yet. 
It has been forty minutes and my laptop still isn't done logging me out. Fuck my life. 

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