my entire mood just drops when I hear the phone start ringing. it always drops further when it's someone i know, or one of my parents, because then i don't have a reason to ignore it.
if i were feeling really introspective, i would probably mention why i hate answering phones so much, but right now, i don't care enough to look for an answer. i just want it to stop raining. also, a fresh fic rec list might be nice. or itunes money for the endless number of songs i want to buy.
today has been a completely shitty day, and i can't even place why it's been so bad. the rain definitely had something to do with it, as do the creaky muscles from walking for nearly an hour in men's dress shoes yesterday, but one of those is external and the other is physical. there's something going on in my head and i don't even know what.
i do know that i don't want to go to school tomorrow. more than anything, i don't want to get up and go and spend my day walking through hallways crowded with people or sitting in classes (drama health and science) i don't care about. I have a 504, but whatever. that doesn't get me out of taking six classes a day or taking pe and i don't even get to choose my own lunch period, so i'm stuck with having lunch before i ever get hungry.
i mostly just want to go back to my first year of middle school, to be honest. nova felt perfect that year, and i haven't had a school experience like that since then. i want to go somewhere where i'm anonymous but the community is small, and the classes are challenging but not so hard i have multiple anxiety attacks about it.
a couple of years ago i thought and thought and thought about what i wanted in a school and came to the conclusion that what i wanted didn't exist.
then i found the high school i started this year at and thought my prayers were answered. then i met the counselor there and came home and cried.
i started anyway and it was okay for one day, and then on the second day i came home and had an anxiety attack, and then when i finally came down, i had about an hour of downtime before i had another one.
so obviously that school didn't work and now i'm really disenchanted by education again. i had a conversation with my mom yesterday about school, and she mentioned that she thought i did want to go back to school and
that's not accurate.
i want to learn. i really, really, really don't want to go to school.
if i thought i could get reliable socialization, i would just homeschool and get my GED instead of going to high school.
but I don't think that would work.
what i really want, like, my ideal situation, is just having textbooks and online resources and having someone help me design my own courses, and then have tutors who could answer questions and offer advice on projects, but that isn't going to happen because we can't afford private tutors or two dozen textbooks.
so at this point, i mostly just don't want to go to school.
i want to skip the high school part and go straight to being in college or at least on my own and not having things expected of me.
but no, one day of high school isn't enough for me to make these decisions off of. i have to go for a couple more days at least. even if i'm suffering through it, even if i'm suffering at the thought of it.
this is gonna be a hard year.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
so i started high school yesterday. woo-hoo, good for me for making it this far, wow i'm a freshman, whatever you want to say. i was terrified, it went fine, i've already made a couple friends, but you know what else?
i'm actually more stressed than i ever was in middle school.
so I'm going to my in-district alternative school, and i was so so so excited about being in the environment, but the thing is, for the first three weeks of school, all new students have to go through orientation. it's a bunch of assignments and going over the rules just to make sure that this school is a good fit for each student.
and they give us all of the assignments in the first three days.
of course, the due dates are RELATIVELY spread out, but it is still only three weeks, and with four papers, reading an entire novel, and an art project that's going to require a lot of work, it is actually more work than i ever had at my rigorous, college-prep oriented middle school.
I had anxiety attacks almost every other week in middle school, but i was never this terrified of failure. it seems like a legitimate possibility that I will not make it through orientation and will be referred back to my home high school, the traditional public school a couple of blocks from my house.
and actually, the idea of eighty percent of my work being 'busy work' is really, really appealing right now. all of the assignments from orientation are designed to both be time-consuming and challenging, but i know that if i were at my home high school, the work would be time consuming or challenging. and as much as i prefer the structure of the alternative school, being able to get through classes with good grades and without trying too hard sounds fantastic.
not to mention that i have been incredibly sheltered by the schools i chose to go to, and while i'm still being sheltered in some ways at the alternative school, i still had someone ask my what my preferred pronouns were. i have never had someone ask me that before. i completely understand and support asking, because it's considerate and will make most people feel more at ease, but it was an entirely new experience.
and besides things like that, god, i didn't know anyone in my orientation when we started, so now i'm hanging out with two, sometimes three other people, and it's still that phase of friendship where everything is exposition. i don't know any of their living situations, or who their families are. i know that two of them had really bad bullying problems, and for me, that's just intense culture shock, because i've always gone to schools that were a lot like this one - focused on community values. bullying was not tolerated. my schools wouldn't hesitate for long to eject students or seek intervention if they were having behavioral problems.
not to mention, most of the bullying was verbal. in middle school, everyone was smart. our insults were clever and personal. they hit hardest in the places it would hurt. But the worst of it was, the teachers often overlooked it as bickering or people overreacting.
ugh. i don't know if i'm even trying to make a point here. i'm just stressed out of my mind and i haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack yet, but i've been well on my way to one twice today. (neither time was at school. bless) so. any words of advice with dealing with a situation that's harder than anything i've ever tried to do before? do you think i'll even make it to the end of the month?