places to go and people to see

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

musings on high school

so i started high school yesterday. woo-hoo, good for me for making it this far, wow i'm a freshman, whatever you want to say. i was terrified, it went fine, i've already made a couple friends, but you know what else?
i'm actually more stressed than i ever was in middle school.
so I'm going to my in-district alternative school, and i was so so so excited about being in the environment, but the thing is, for the first three weeks of school, all new students have to go through orientation. it's a bunch of assignments and going over the rules just to make sure that this school is a good fit for each student.
and they give us all of the assignments in the first three days.
of course, the due dates are RELATIVELY spread out, but it is still only three weeks, and with four papers, reading an entire novel, and an art project that's going to require a lot of work, it is actually more work than i ever had at my rigorous, college-prep oriented middle school.
I had anxiety attacks almost every other week in middle school, but i was never this terrified of failure. it seems like a legitimate possibility that I will not make it through orientation and will be referred back to my home high school, the traditional public school a couple of blocks from my house.
and actually, the idea of eighty percent of my work being 'busy work' is really, really appealing right now. all of the assignments from orientation are designed to both be time-consuming and challenging, but i know that if i were at my home high school, the work would be time consuming or challenging. and as much as i prefer the structure of the alternative school, being able to get through classes with good grades and without trying too hard sounds fantastic.
not to mention that i have been incredibly sheltered by the schools i chose to go to, and while i'm still being sheltered in some ways at the alternative school, i still had someone ask my what my preferred pronouns were. i have never had someone ask me that before. i completely understand and support asking, because it's considerate and will make most people feel more at ease, but it was an entirely new experience. 
and besides things like that, god, i didn't know anyone in my orientation when we started, so now i'm hanging out with two, sometimes three other people, and it's still that phase of friendship where everything is exposition. i don't know any of their living situations, or who their families are. i know that two of them had really bad bullying problems, and for me, that's just intense culture shock, because i've always gone to schools that were a lot like this one - focused on community values. bullying was not tolerated. my schools wouldn't hesitate for long to eject students or seek intervention if they were having behavioral problems.
not to mention, most of the bullying was verbal. in middle school, everyone was smart. our insults were clever and personal. they hit hardest in the places it would hurt. But the worst of it was, the teachers often overlooked it as bickering or people overreacting.
ugh. i don't know if i'm even trying to make a point here. i'm just stressed out of my mind and i haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack yet, but i've been well on my way to one twice today. (neither time was at school. bless) so. any words of advice with dealing with a situation that's harder than anything i've ever tried to do before? do you think i'll even make it to the end of the month? 

No comments:

Post a Comment