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Sunday, September 22, 2013

//stereotypical teenage 'i hate school' angst// //except for that it isn't//

my entire mood just drops when I hear the phone start ringing. it always drops further when it's someone i know, or one of my parents, because then i don't have a reason to ignore it.
if i were feeling really introspective, i would probably mention why i hate answering phones so much, but right now, i don't care enough to look for an answer. i just want it to stop raining. also, a fresh fic rec list might be nice. or itunes money for the endless number of songs i want to buy.
today has been a completely shitty day, and i can't even place why it's been so bad. the rain definitely had something to do with it, as do the creaky muscles from walking for nearly an hour in men's dress shoes yesterday, but one of those is external and the other is physical. there's something going on in my head and i don't even know what.
i do know that i don't want to go to school tomorrow. more than anything, i don't want to get up and go and spend my day walking through hallways crowded with people or sitting in classes (drama health and science) i don't care about. I have a 504, but whatever. that doesn't get me out of taking six classes a day or taking pe and i don't even get to choose my own lunch period, so i'm stuck with having lunch before i ever get hungry.
i mostly just want to go back to my first year of middle school, to be honest. nova felt perfect that year, and i haven't had a school experience like that since then. i want to go somewhere where i'm anonymous but the community is small, and the classes are challenging but not so hard i have multiple anxiety attacks about it.
a couple of years ago i thought and thought and thought about what i wanted in a school and came to the conclusion that what i wanted didn't exist.
then i found the high school i started this year at and thought my prayers were answered. then i met the counselor there and came home and cried.
i started anyway and it was okay for one day, and then on the second day i came home and had an anxiety attack, and then when i finally came down, i had about an hour of downtime before i had another one.
so obviously that school didn't work and now i'm really disenchanted by education again. i had a conversation with my mom yesterday about school, and she mentioned that she thought i did want to go back to school and
uh
that's not accurate.
i want to learn. i really, really, really don't want to go to school.
if i thought i could get reliable socialization, i would just homeschool and get my GED instead of going to high school.
but I don't think that would work.
what i really want, like, my ideal situation, is just having textbooks and online resources and having someone help me design my own courses, and then have tutors who could answer questions and offer advice on projects, but that isn't going to happen because we can't afford private tutors or two dozen textbooks.
so at this point, i mostly just don't want to go to school.
i want to skip the high school part and go straight to being in college or at least on my own and not having things expected of me.
but no, one day of high school isn't enough for me to make these decisions off of. i have to go for a couple more days at least. even if i'm suffering through it, even if i'm suffering at the thought of it.
this is gonna be a hard year.

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