places to go and people to see

Sunday, June 30, 2013


So unless my dad installed a virus that only activates between midnight and WHENEVER, apparently my computer is so fucked up IT CAN'T EVEN SHUT DOWN and of course I was going to read this one fic, but NO, first I have to reload the page ten times and then do the same at the beginning of every chapter and then when I think that's all I have to do, once I get to chapter four or five, I have to hit refresh an extra twenty times throughout the chapter.
then chrome crashed completely. 
And then it crashed again. 
NOW I'm blessing whoever made chrome a cross platform application because I can finish my fics in peace on my iPad. 
This also means I have spent at least a full hour and a half trying to troubleshoot, WITHOUT the help of my dad who is GOOD at these things. Also, I haven't hit the happy part of not eating for nine hours where the hunger pangs are super easy to ignore so I'm just sitting here, wide awake at four am, hungry, REALLY FUCKING MAD and feeling weirdly betrayed by my laptop, and generally feeling miserable and lonely. I DONT GET LONELY WHEN IM UP LATE. THIS IS MY TIME FOR INTROVERSION. I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED. 
And it like, jfc, I know for a fact that this isn't pms, because that was like, a week and a half ago, so SHUT UP BRAIN AND HORMONES AND STOMACH AND EMOTIONS AND WHATEVER ELSE. 
Godddddd I hate everything. 
Edit: I am totally not crying right now shut the fuck up. I just don't get what I did to deserve this? I've never been one to believe that 'bad things happen to good people' or even 'shit happens'. Something's gotta give for anything else to give, I guess. And fuck if I know what I did. All I know is that I'm totally not crying at four thirty am and my laptop has apparently had it ( I HAVENG EVEN HAD IT FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. WHAT THE SHIT, DELL) and my room was perfectly neat yesterday but today? Hahahahahahahahaha fuck you, no, my family is hell-bent on increasing my anxiety by leaving things out in my room whenever they come in without knocking and then leave the door open. And on top of that, I'm still not 100% or even 50% sure about what's happening with CTE or Portland in right hours or the rest of my fucking summer or who my friends are (that last one is actually about 4% sure). My throat has felt weird for like, a week, in a multitude of ways, none of which really seemed to have an actual solution, and I've had like three anxiety attacks this week and I'm on the verge of a fourth (fifth? I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING KEEP TRACK) and - AND - even though I've had a shitton of anxiety attacks, I didn't have a set appointment AND COULD NOT GET AN APPOINTMENT with my therapist this week and so I just have all this shit building up and I feel really fucking isolated by it because I haven't had group therapy in MONTHS and I haven't seen her singularly in three weeks and I can fucking see the treeline out my window. I wanted to be asleep like two and a half hours ago. I always say that and nothing changes.  I started a insomnia workbook, and I fell asleep before I could get to actual treatment for it. Is that just so fucking ironic. And here I am having another anxiety attack about the fact that I am awake at dawn and that's only because I haven't fallen asleep yet. 
It has been forty minutes and my laptop still isn't done logging me out. Fuck my life. 

Friday, June 28, 2013


THIS IS A SCREENSHOT OF MY STATS PAGE. LOOKIEEEEEEEE. I haven't been lying about the whole international readership thing! Here have some proof! Yeah so I don't actually know why you would want to be reading about my life if you don't know me proper but I DON'T EVEN CARE THIS IS SO FREAKING COOL. PEOPLE FROM RUSSIA AND THE NETHERLANDS AND CHINA ARE READING MY BLOG. AKJFJ;LKSDH.
So yeah this is from my all-time audience stats page and wow, I don't even know how to react to this. I think I've talked before about wanting to know my readers better and seriously, PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF! I have anon comments enabled and I don't even care what you say, just leave a comment on this post PLEASE and say hi or go die in a hole or SOMETHING. people are interesting! you have obviously taken an interest in my life and i want to know why! TELL ME YOUR LIFE STORY IN THE COMMENTS.
go say hi in the comments shhhhhh go go go just go

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I have insomnia and an anxiety disorder and a stupid crush and weird issues and sometimes shitty friends and I also ramble a lot. At least I'm eloquent about it.

I get embarrassed really easily. Surprised? You shouldn't be; you probably already know I have debilitating anxiety disorder. But yeah, I get embarrassed easily and blush easily and I get really defensive easily and super shy around people I don't know well or if I'm uncomfortable. 
But every time I get so embarrassed I can't speak, which doesn't happen as often as I make it out to, at some point the embarrassment breaks and I just have a flood of self-confidence and I feel kind of invincible. I remember sitting with a bunch of friends last fall and one of them was telling a story about conversation I'd had in which I'd discussed how attractive one of my friends was. He was sitting in the room at the time, and I had kind of curled myself into a ball in the corner while she was telling the story, but then when she was done he turned to me and said, wait, really?, and I just got this surge of confidence and flat out told him that I thought (and still think) he's hot. A couple months later I actually told him I liked him via text. He later told me he liked me too, but now he has a something-or-other with another friend. I don't really know where our relationship is right now, other than that we text about video games and caffeine and I sometimes cry at him about Teen Wolf and he doesn't even pretend to care anymore. I hated him for a few years, but I'm honest now in saying that he's one of my best friends. He's baselessly insecure in all the same ways I am, and we share weird mental things (ordinal linguistic personification, look it up) and he stays up until three am and lets me rant at him about feminism. 
I think I'm just always going to have a stupid crush on him. At this point, if you're one of my friends, I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about. If not, here's a hint: I've known him since second grade.
Yeah. That should tell you something. 
I don't know what my point was with this post was. It's four thirty and I have CTE in seven and a half hours, and I'm going to have to go in and tell them that I didn't feel well. At least that lie will actually still work on them, unlike my old classmates who were immune to it. Most of them didn't even accept that I didn't want it to be up for discussion, either. At least, not the ones who didn't know about the fact that I have an actual serious mental illness that won't seem to go away no matter how hard I try. The ones who did though? They were awesome. 
Again. I don't know what point I'm trying to get across here. It's four thirty. I'm allowed to have no idea what I'm doing, right? Maybe I just wanted to get that one stupid crush off my chest. I have already rejected myself for him. I see no reason to let him do the rejecting. I like being friends with him. 
Is that bad? That I'm rejecting myself for people? It kind of takes the pain away already. I mean. There's a boy I've liked for a couple of years at CTE, too, but he's a jerk 70% of the time and makes fat jokes anyway, so I don't see myself as anything interesting to him. It's almost like that with a lot of the people I would love so much to be friends with, too. There's a girl in PT who got it when I said, if I could have any car, I would get a '67 Impala. She leaned forward and said, to go hunting? She makes Doctor Who jokes and wore a Marvel shirt on the first day. But I'm flaily and awkward and she's pretty and clever and hangs out with the CTE boy I like. I don't know why she would actually want to hang out with me. Same with the friend of a friend who's in her first year of showcase and has been ridiculously nice to me. It feels like an ulterior motive. With everyone, all the time. With my friends. Not the one I have the stupid crush on, but whatever. With all of my other friends. Even when my own sister is nice it feels that way. I'm always afraid her niceness is going to come back and bite me in the ass because she'll want something in return. People usually do. I'm not sure I know anyone who is ever nice for the sake of being nice. Those people only exist in fiction. 
Well. This has been a nice long existential post. On the bright side, my friends who actually went just got back from Costa Rica (holy shit they went to Costa Rica for like a week holy shit) and I missed them a ton and I'm going to make them hang out with me now. 
Although, as long as I'm talking about my friends, there is someone who I haven't seen since the pool party and hasn't texted me back and when I tagged her in a comment on google plus, she responded to the person who originally posted, even though my comment was directed at her. I don't know where we are right now, either. I've texted her a few times. I kind of feel like the ball is in her court, but mostly I feel like she's avoiding talking to me. This is not the healthy and proper way to deal with that feeling, but I don't like being straightforward. It's honestly frightening for me, because the last time I was straightforward with someone was in October, and our friendship is still mending from it. Our relationship over the past year has been like a really, really shitty rollercoaster. Can you see why I might not want to be straightforward now? Yeah. 
I think I'm going to stop confessing my irrational emotional fears to the Internet now and maybe try to sleep. I would say that I'm sorry for this post, but it's been a good purge. I don't feel better, but I understand more. Or something. Yeah. I've been writing for half an hour. Longer, probably. Given how long this is, that shouldn't surprise me. 
Sleep sound good now, though. I don't know how my sleep schedule got so fucked up again, but apparently that happened. Five and a half hours of sleep probably isn't enough to function on, but I think it's the best I'm going to get.
You're welcome to ponder all of the above mentioned issues and pester me about them. I miss social interaction with people I don't feel judged by.

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Have you ever had something that was just irrevocably yours? That you could do or go to and it would wash away your demons and let you be calm and not worry?
And have you ever met someone who is the PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT of those demons?
I thought so. 
Now imagine that the thing that is yours is a summer camp. Something you have loved for most of your life, and that was steadier than your own heartbeat, and that was incorruptible because it made you happy even though so many other things couldn't. Something that made you lose sight of your monumental issues. Something that you looked forward to ALL year because of that.
Got it?
Now imagine that this person, let's call him Ken, is participating in the camp this year. 
How does that make you feel?
Like you're going to fucking kill him, that's how. 
He's doing CTE and CTE was perfect. It has the Foleys and the Bustetters and John and Annika and Jenna and Sammy and the two other Emilys I have squishes on and now it has Ken, too. 
You know, I was excited. I've been talking about getting to be in the shop with the paint that I helped label and the table I helped build and the set pieces that never get taken apart, just repainted over and over and over. I love CTE and I love the Techies and I love Bree and Jason and Megan and Paul and Kathy and now?
I don't see a reason to get up in the morning and go if Ken's going to be there. I barely liked him when he was in sixth grade, and then when he came back from Jefferson this year? He embodies all of the ignorance and bigotry and hatred that fuels like, at least 70% of my anxiety. I have never met anyone whom I hate with such a passion. And I don't even use the word hate lightly. Rare is it that I honestly, truly hate someone.
But Ken?
He's making me consider giving up something that has LITERALLY KEPT ME ALIVE for parts of the past few years. 
If I had grounds for a restraining order, other than that he has made me want to kill myself simply so that I don't have to live on the same plane as him anymore, I would make it so that he couldn't be in the same fucking state as me. 
But I can't do that, so it's either endure the psychological torture of being near him everyday, or drop out of CTE. 
And honestly, dropping out sounds better. That's how bad he is. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

not better

scrolling through forum threads on why people think depression is bullshit isn't going to make me feel any better, is it
they're trying to tell me that the fact that i'm not okay is a lie when i'm not okay

they don't know how fucking isolating it is, do they?
i fucking miss group. it was that thing that i had that didn't make me feel like i was going insane all the time.
and now? well. 
we're back to the questioning my actual sanity on a semi-regular basis. 
plus the fact that i alternately am in these highs where i listen to david bowie and sit cross-legged and don't feel lonely and in these low spots where i know i'm being irrational but i want to run away and i listen to lifehouse and fun. and elliott smith and rilo kiley and they all make me cry but i don't want to listen to anything else.
and there's no in between. that's the best part, right? either i'm in one place or another and 
i know i should be out socializing but there are like, two select people i want to talk to and
one of them is in costa rica and the other hasn't been answering my texts regularly.
i don't know why he isn't answering my texts, because i thought things were okay between us, and i'm generally saying things that to almost anyone else would warrant response but
god i'm over him and i've moved on and we're actual friends again but i'm still complaining about him here.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
no really, what's wrong with me? i can't tell anymore and i don't see a way to get out of it.
i really just wish i had someone who stayed up til four and didn't make me feel guilty for not being okay and who appreciated my humor and my music and didn't comment on their own body, always to unintentionally make me feel worse about my own and didn't look at me with those eyes that i just know are judging me when they don't agree with me
i have no one like that.
i have people who fit some of those singular descriptors.
but the last few?
nope. nada. zilch.
everything is just so fucking isolating.

Saturday, June 15, 2013


laughing at myself for no reason is something i haven't done in awhile.
it's nice.
i'm on a david bowie kick right now, and i have four tabs of sterek fic that i've been meaning to read for three days open, and i'm kind of interacting with people online, and i feel better.
it's. it's nice.

Monday, June 10, 2013

dear laptop

thank you for fucking up my night even more
i really appreciate it
next time i might really lose my temper and you may be thrown across the room instead of my earbuds
just a warning
you know
next time don't fuck with my settings unless i tell you to
got it?
i hate you.
you deserve no love,

Sunday, June 9, 2013

It's Interesting.

So I haven't been posting here much. If you actually still follow along (which, wow, why?) then you know that I plug my writing blog (sometimesrosewrites) as much as possible.
And yet I have ten followers here and only one there.
It's just interesting.